Speed Read: John Stamos Dishes on Bob Saget, the Olsens, and Divorce

Whenever John Stamos begins telling a story, he writes in his new memoir, he often begins with a familiar turn of phrase: If You Would Have Told Me.

Based on his new book, which hits stores Tuesday, Stamos’ use of that little introductory flourish reflects his broader personality. The memoir unfurls almost entirely in present tense—as if Uncle Jesse himself has leaned himself up against a wall to tell you some wild story from his youth. The 60-year-old actor looks back on his teen years in Cypress, California, his first brush with fame on General Hospital, and, of course, his ongoing love affair with the Beach Boys.

Over the decades, Stamos has rubbed elbows with a number of Hollywood A-listers, many of whom show up in his memoir. (No, he did not get a quote from either of the Olsen twins.) Jamie Lee Curtis writes the foreword and compliments her Scream Queens co-star’s “comic energy, captivating flair, sharp humor, keen intelligence,” and “childlike passion.” In the pages that follow, Stamos reveals hookups (and near hookups) with the likes of Demi Moore and Heather Locklear, and yes, he remembers when Dave Coulier called him after hearing his ex Alanis Morissette sing “You Oughta Know” for the first time.

Read more at The Daily Beast.