Putting yourself out there as a neurodivergent person, according to the ‘Love on the Spectrum’ cast

Taylor Nicioli, CNN

(CNN) — As someone with autism, Madison Marilla would often feel left out as her neurotypical friends would get in relationships and go on dates in high school.

At the time, she tried to invite some other friends with special needs to prom with her, but they said they were too shy to attend a big school event, she said.

“This happened in high school quite a bit, because … emotionally, I was developmentally delayed, but not intellectually,” she said. “I did not understand the complex social skills involved in dating when I was in high school that most people my age understood at the time.”

Watching Netflix’s reality show, “Love on the Spectrum,” inspired Marilla, now 27, to give dating another try. She is one of the participants on the US version of the series’ third season, which premiered on April 2 on Autism Awareness Day.

About 1 in 36 children and 1 in 45 adults in the United States have autism, according to the US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Worldwide, about 1% of the population, or 75 million people, have received a diagnosis of autism, says the advocacy organization Autism Speaks. Autism spectrum disorder, or ASD, is categorized by a range of symptoms, including various challenges with social communication and interaction, but many adults on the spectrum still desire to lead active social lives.

Navigating the dating world as someone with autism was tricky for Marilla, and her first date on the show did not go as she had hoped. He was sensitive to noises at the restaurant where they went on their date, and they didn’t have many similar interests.

Still, she didn’t give up after the one date and is now telling people that “finding love on the spectrum is possible.”

During the process, Marilla learned how to find the balance of stepping outside one’s comfort zone, but not too far to where it could be disorienting for people both on and off the spectrum, said Jennifer Cook, the on-camera neurodiversity expert for the show, who also has an autism diagnosis. Cook often coaches neurodiverse people with a goal to have more connected lives and relationships, and helps them understand and identify hidden social rules.

“It’s important for everybody to do things that are outside of their comfort zones, wherever you fall on the human spectrum,” Cook said. “It’s what makes us better and more creative and more fabulous individuals.”

Here’s what Cook and several participants from the show shared about what it’s like going outside of the comfort zone for people on the spectrum, and their advice can apply to anyone trying to date in the 21st century.

Learning zone vs. panic zone

When Marilla was preparing for her first date, she met with Cook beforehand. She wanted to know things such as what she should talk about with her date, and whether she could bring items that make her comfortable — Marilla has an impressive collection of dolls and often brings a few along on outings.

Marilla’s first date on the show might have been a good example of what Cook describes as the layers to stepping outside one’s comfort zone. Marilla, who had been on dates before and enjoys going out, was in what Cook calls the “learning zone.”

“We’re in that midplace where we’re engaged, but we’re not unfocused, either by boredom or by panic. We’re feeling curious and interested in the people and places and things that are around us. We want to learn. We want to acquire new relationships and new skills,” Cook said. “It’s the Goldilocks thing.”

But Marilla’s date, who had expressed on the show he was uncomfortable by the restaurant noise before the pair moved outside, was most likely in what Cook refers to as the “panic zone,” Marilla said.

“That’s when you’re in a place of extreme feelings. So, you might feel confused, you might feel disoriented, insecure or even inept, like ‘I can’t do this,’” Cook said. “When we’re in that zone, we can’t take in any new information, we can’t think flexibly, we can’t communicate well with others.”

That’s true for everyone, Cook noted. “This is not unique to autistic individuals.”

When going outside the comfort zone, Cook often tells people on the spectrum who seek her advice to set goals that reflect what one can control. Even though Marilla didn’t find her first date to be a good match, she had still accomplished what she wanted to do, which was go on a date.

Because she didn’t give up, Marilla went on another first date and found a better match. And yes, the pair was still going on dates after the show stopped filming, she said.

Finding things in common

Abbey Romeo, 26, who was diagnosed with autism at 2 years old, has been a participant of “Love on the Spectrum” since the show’s first season, during which she met her current boyfriend. They have been dating for nearly four years.

During her first date, Romeo remembers feeling very nervous. “I felt like I was going to throw up because I had no memories connected with David (Isaacman, her boyfriend). We didn’t go to school together,” she said. “But I found out that we have a lot of things in common — not everything, but a lot of things.”

When trying new things, what Romeo’s mom taught her helped a lot — speaking positively to herself when she is feeling nervous.

“You could say, ‘Everything’s going to be OK. It’s totally normal to feel this way.’ And I also say, ‘I think I can. I think I can,’ just like the little engine that could, but instead, I’m the little engine that did,” Romeo said.

The couple also “understand each other’s sensory needs,” Romeo said, which is important as “there are many different types of autism.” Sometimes, they each need breaks from each other or the world, which can involve going on their phones or taking a moment to be alone in another room.

While Romeo and her boyfriend have a lot in common, such as their love for animals, particularly lions, they also have different interests that they have shown to one another, such as different foods to try and places to see.

Learning another person’s perspective

Cook often gets asked about the challenge of hearing and understanding someone else’s perspective. While not specific to those with autism, it is often a challenge shared by people on the spectrum. “That’s where you get the misunderstanding that autistic people are unempathetic,” Cook said. “That could not be more wrong.”

It is called the “theory of mind,” which is the ability to understand and attribute other people’s thoughts and emotions, and can be difficult for autistic people to do without being taught or having previously experienced the other person’s perspective, Cook said. There is also the challenge of anticipating what someone will say and then naturally responding to it in real time.

Cook’s advice, for those on the spectrum or not, is to be authentic. It is OK to acknowledge the awkward silence of a date, or to bring a small doll or two if that will help someone feel more confident in stepping outside of their comfort zone, she said.

For those looking to support someone in their life who is autistic and wants to step into their learning zone, Cook suggests teaching and practicing coping skills with that person. Her favorite is a method that uses all five senses and helps someone slow down when in anxiety-inducing situations: “Identify five things that you can see, four things that you can hear, three things you can feel, two you can taste and one you can smell.”

As people who are both on the spectrum, Romeo and Marilla agree that it is important to step out of your comfort zone, even if it can be scary.

Marilla’s friend gave her this advice, which she shared: “Life is at its best when you’re outside your comfort zone, and it’s best to let yourself out, not hold yourself in,” she said. “And those are very true words I stick to this day, and they have helped me with the dating process.”

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