Kylie Jenner’s Vodka Sodas Should Have Kendall’s Tequila Shaking

“Obviously no added sugar.” That phrase, printed on the box for Kylie Jenner’s new brand of canned vodka sodas, Sprinter, perplexed me. Obviously no added sugar? First of all, Ms. Jenner, do not assume you know what I am thinking. Being spoken to as if I am a child makes me irate; I worked hard for these forehead lines and dark circles! Sure, I may have a stunning, youthful glow despite them, but that doesn’t mean I deserve to be scolded for a conclusion I haven’t even made in the first place. I picked up this crate of eight canned vodka sodas two seconds ago, and already I’m getting a playful slap on the wrist? If it weren’t my job to taste these things, the box would’ve gone back on the shelf.

Alright, that’s a lie. I have been dying to get my hands on some Sprinters since Jenner announced the brand earlier this month. If there is one thing I’ve always admired about the Kardashian-Jenner oligarchs, it’s their keen eyes for branding. Whether the products they make are good is of…some concern to me, of course—look at the article you’re reading!—but I’m far more fascinated by how those things will be marketed. Take, for instance, Kim Kardashian’s SKIMS shapewear and undergarment brand: I don’t wear shapewear, but if I did, I’d be inclined to buy it from the woman who made a cheeky, irreverent ad about some of her bras having visibly protruding nipples.

I love the textured glass bottles of Kourtney Kardashian’s line of supplements and vitamins. I adore the fact that Khloé Kardashian had to incorporate her denim line (that is definitely not a money laundering front) into an ad she did for migraine pills. I worship the ghastly label of Kendall Jenner’s equally frightful tequila, simply because the design is so memorable. Whether the Kardashians and Jenners could be considered “artists” in the traditional sense is up for heavy debate, but they are certainly sculptors of their own relevancy. Fame is an art form, just like painting, music, or, well, I suppose even writing. I’ll have to delicately caress my reflection in a mirror to process that, but I’ll do it later.

Read more at The Daily Beast.