Nine years after the seventh Harry Potter book was released, J.K. Rowling decided to mess with the Potter starved minds of her fans by releasing a so-called ‘eighth book’. Now, as someone who used to religiously count days until the next book was released and would wait in line for hours just to get my hands on a latest book, The Cursed Child was a bit of a slap in the face.

Last month on July 31, 2016, on the Queen’s (J.K. Rowling, not Queen Elizabeth) birthday, as the seventh month died, The Cursed Child was released. Although Rowling herself has said that The Cursed Child is to be regarded as the eighth book in her magical series, we, her true fans, would like to believe the series ended with the release of Deathly Hallows in 2007.

We would like to regard The Cursed Child as fan-fiction that was slightly edited and tweaked here and there by Rowling. And here’s why:

Obviously there are massive spoilers within. Don’t say you weren’t warned.

Voldemort has a child?
Okay, so I decided to narrow down the entire book into the biggest plotholes/where-did-that-come-from-moments that confounded us fans and I would like to get this out of the way first. Delphi being Voldemort’s child.

For those of you who read the series, and then read The Cursed Child, you might find it very difficult to imagine that the greatest villain in Magical History had sex. This particular revelation was akin to The Cruciatus Curse being cast upon you.

Voldemort hated his parentage. He hated the muggle father that left his pure-blood pregnant mother. The hate was such that he killed his muggle grandparents and father and even changed his name. This was why he decided to make the Horcruxes, to make himself ‘Lord Voldemort’ immortal. This whole child nonsense merely destroys the very idea we had of Voldemort and cheapens the entire series to be honest.

Oh why did you have to ruin a good thing J.K?

Destruction of the Trio
First of all, The Cursed Child not only destroyed the Voldemort image, it also destroyed the image we had of Ron. I have no problem with the idea of Ron as comic relief but the portrayal of him in The Cursed Child really is not the Ron we know and love. He was portrayed as a simple fool and what’s more, if Hermione hadn’t married him, he would have been an idiotic version of his father with a child called ‘Panju’. Seriously?

Not to sound bitter, but even Hermione was somewhat destroyed. This girl who was the most brilliant witch of her age can only be Minister for Magic if she gets the man? Also Minister for Magic?  A little unlikely. Not because she couldn’t have done it, but because she didn’t want it in the first place.

And then comes Harry who claims he’s afraid of Pigeons. Seriously? The Golden Trio was successfully annihilated.

Pumpkin Spikes
We all know that wonderful old lady who delivers pumpkin pasties and Every Flavour Beans to the students who are on their merry way to Hogwarts or Home. Well apparently she’s a crazy, spiked wolverine wannabe, and not the simple Trolley lady we all know and love. Now, this is played for comedy, and some people might have found it hilarious, until you think back to that time the Trolley Witch let Dementors on her train without doing anything at all with her pasties. So she’s clearly terrible at her job.

Was it a goal to destroy all the characters we knew from the series? If so, congrats Cursed Child. You have achieved the impossible.

Cedric or Cullen?
See, this is why I said all characters were ruined. The Cursed Child is  definitely something, if it can make us believe that Cedric dying is the best possible outcome for him. Honestly, it came to a point where I wouldn’t have been surprised if the dimensions crossed portals and books from awesome to shitty and Cedric Diggory was actually Edward Cullen.

Did the Fidelus Charm disappear?
This should’ve been too obvious. Maybe that’s why everyone who proof-read (if it even went through that process) the book missed it. One of the biggest loopholes in the history of loop-holes is the fact that everyone was able to see the Potter residence despite the fact that the house was under Fidelus Charm protection.

What we also know from this period is that the Potters were basically captives for their own safety—there’s even a specific reference to James being frustrated in the books at being caged. So it should come as something of a surprise in Cursed Child when they decide to go for a walk in the open where death lurks around every corner.

He Who CAN Be Named?
Last but definitely not the least because there’s a lot more to be discussed about The Cursed Child, since when was it okay to just casually use Voldemort’s name? He’s still alive, and his followers should be referring to him as The Dark Lord or My Lord as a mark of respect (fear) and his enemies should be calling him He Who Must Not Be Named thanks to the assumed power given to him by using his name.

It’s just one illogical inconsistency in a long line of them. Take Umbridge becoming a Death Eater for instance: it wouldn’t happen. She was against Death Eaters, it just so happened that she was anti-Dumbledore and firmly behind Fudge. She was a different kind of evil. It is in the books! The important seven at least.

There are so many left over questions, and that’s not really a great endorsement.