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The burned hospital in the northern Afghan city | www. Washington.com

Mandatory parenting classes for lawbreakers
Prime Minister Wickremesinghe says he will arrange a training session on parenting for the country’s occasional lawmakers and frequent lawbreakers. PM said that children raised by ethically-challenged parents find it difficult to grasp concepts such as accountability, good governance and abuse of power. Yahapalana, like charity must begin at home, the PM said.

That Dubai Account
A close associate of former President Rajapaksa says the former 1st  family’s US $500 millon is not at that Dubai bank. He said that Dubai bank has US$499 million. “The $500 million was moved to a different continent” said the associate.
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Green curry cooking Thai national arrested
A Thai national was arrested in Kollupitiya for running an unauthorized Green Curry food kiosk. According to Health Department officials, no one in the department had ever tasted curry green before and said it tasted good. The official named Kotthu Sunil said the
Department was concerned that if the word got out, it would lead to a green curry epidemic. He also pointed out that the ruling UNP Party color was also green. “Before we can say Massaman, the JVP will demand red curry stands all over Colombo. It will lead to a war of curry. Galayata Gna will get involved and the Muslim Kotthu might become compromised. Then, it will be Chinese. Then, it will be ghee thosai. On and on….There is no end in sight for this kind of madness,” a visibly agitated Kotthu Sunil explained.

President says ‘maybe’ to Kekirilanthaya asylum idea President Sirisena has accused certain media organizations of planning to vaporize him and use the vapor to nebulize people suffering from political asthma. The President said he was not worried because he could always seek asylum in Kekirilanthaya. “That place is a full-time lunatic asylum,” President Sirisena said.

Daham’s Afro costs taxpayers Rs.180 million
Presidential Secretariat says much of the Rs.180 million to repair the Sirisena Walauwwa will be spent on increasing the height of doorways and windows to fit Daham Sirisena’s Afro. All attempts to get the next Namal to trim the height of the Afro bouffant has fallen on deaf ears implanted on the side of a fat head, the communique stated.

President vows to arrest the drop in ranking
President Sirisena has accused his predecessor for Sri Lanka’s 2 position drop in the rankings of the World Impunity Index. “I can’t do all the impuning in one year! Give me a little more time; a few more foreign jaunts; and a few of those white vans and I will have us roaring up the rankings in no time. Forget the stuff I was blabbing about in January. There was an election to be manipulated then. This is the real deal” said the impunity-embracing President.

The truth will set you free
Replying to President Sirisena’s request for journalists to write the truth, the editors’ guild of Sri Lanka has requested President Sirisena to speak the truth so they could write the truth.

Karamazov brothers ignored
The Yahapalana Sahodara and Daru Sangamaya has angrily denied charges of favorism and nepotism levelled against the infantile regime by advocates of transparent, responsible and accountable government. “Saradiel K In-laws;  yes. Ratwatte   brothers yes. Sirisena  siblings; yes.Wijewardena cousins; yes. Senaratne father and son; yes. It does look bad but what about the brothers Karamazov? They are still out in the cold.  Doesn’t that count for anything?” a non-blood-relative associate of the Karamazov-ignoring President asked.

Carlton mystery solved
The mystery owner of Carlton Sports Network (CSN), the cause of all mayhem at Sri Lanka Cricket has finally been identified after an exhaustive search of Colombo 5 area. It is reliably learnt that neighbors have identified that No.260/12 Torrington Avenue, Colombo 5 is the real owner of CSN. A neighbor who wished to avoid the FCID said much of the goings on at No.260/12 revolved around the nearby canal said the neighbor.  Charges are currently being framed against the structure.

Hemorrhoid Zeid explains bombing of Afghan hospital
Prince Hemorrhoid Zeid yada yada of the UNHRC says the bombing of the missile shooting Afghan hospital was an exceptional act committed by an exceptional actor to another exceptional actor under exceptional circumstances. “It was a clear case of exceptionalism. I have been informed as such by the bombing party and I have no reason to doubt their sincerity,” Hemorrhoid Zeid said.
Sudat Pasqual   is the Incompetent Authority  on Irrelevant Implausible News, Kekirilanthya