FCCU seeks clarification from White
Dr. Eliyantha White, physician to the Rajapaksa Court was called in for questioning by the Financial Crimes Creation Unit (FCCU). According to the FCCU, there must have been financial misdeeds involved for parents to name their child Eliyantha White. Dr. White has been asked to submit a written explanation notarized by an astrologer.

Protecting edible wildlife
Wildlife officers formerly attached to ex-Minister Mervyn Silva’s security detail have abducted a saltwater crocodile from its natural environment in the Indian Ocean near Galle Face Green. The crocodile was bound, gagged and transported outside the city limits of Colombo, but within the planned limit of the new Megapixel Megadeal Megapolis and released to the same Indian Ocean. One of the wildlife officers who previously protected Minister Mervyn said the government wanted to remove as much edible wildlife as possible from the ocean around Galle Face Green before China recommence work on the Colombo Port Expansion Project.

Charged for missing the props
Sampath Atukorala, accused of misrepresenting the image of President Sirisena on Facebook, was released on bail. Atukorala is accused of posting a photo-shopped picture of Sirisena standing upright without Ranil Wickremesinghe and the Ambassador of the United States holding him up. According to the CID, such an event never happened and is highly unlikely to ever happen. A spokesperson for President Sirisena said the picture was meant to project an image that implied Sirisena’s government didn’t need to be propped by the US. “Completely false!” an indignant spokesman blurted.

Sira returns from tour
Returning from the first leg of his 2015 “Abuse of Power and Humiliate a Son Tour” President Sirisena has accused members of his party (the one he betrayed twice during the first six months of his term) of acting against the wishes of the United National Party. Sirisena reminded the SLFP members that their party is a subsidiary of the UNP. Sirisena said that the values of steadfastness and loyalty are overrated.

“If I remained loyal and steadfast, I would never have made it to the Big Apple and Daham would never have made the headlines. I was a ‘nobody’, but I am somebody’s keep as a result of my commitment to principles of duplicity. Daham will recover from this humiliating experience because he has a thick skin like me. Time and extensive therapy will make Daham the next Namal,” said the proudly shameless father of two and parent to none.

Daham’s Afro spooks Obama
Sri Lanka’s presidential secretariat says President Obama did not want Daham included in the picture taken with Maithripala Sirisena because he was jealous of Daham’s full Afro hair-do. “He just couldn’t deal with an Asian sporting an Afro,” the press release stated.

TNA demands separation of CBK and MR
Leader of the Opposition R Sampanthan speaking at the 60th anniversary of the Department of Elections said that if the government of Sri Lanka was serious about promoting democracy in the country, it must do the following:

1. Gazette that Douglas Devananda is a Buddhist masquerading as a Sinhalese;

2. Ask former President Kumaratunga to stop sucking her right thumb every time she has to physically confront Mahinda Rajapaksa;

3. Ask President Sirisena to admit that he screwed up by not taking his daughter to New York along with his son. Sampanthan said Sirisena can talk about gender equality all he wants, but action speaks louder than empty slogans;

4. Guarantee the physical safety of all print/digital/TV editors so they will not be forced to carry favorable stories about Namal Baba;

5. Make Ranil Wickremesinghe sit between Chandrika Kumaratunga and Mahinda Rajapaksa at all national functions. Sampanthan said that he is tired of looking at Kumaratunga’s pouty face and the smug look on Rajapaksa’s face.

Motor-mouth Rajitha at it again
Minister of Health and official government motor-mouth, Rajitha Senaratne has spoken in public and confirmed once again that both his feet are firmly planted in his mouth. Speaking at a ceremony to declare open a hospital, motor-mouth Senaratne was quick to dispel the belief that a moustache, especially one brushed and dyed daily with taxpayer funds, was a sign of a manly man like the late Queen lead singer Freddie Mercury.
Senaratne assured his audience that President Sirisena was resolute in his desire to appease the West and capitulate to the demands of the Tamil diaspora. “He clearly showed his commitment to selling the country down the drain when he took his son on the joy ride to New York. You have nothing to fear but the man,” said a delirious Senaratne. When asked to comment on Senaratne’s observations, a colleague who refused to reveal his/her/its name or gender said that he/she/it was certain that the dunderhead was doing hallucinogenic drugs again. “I think he got into the gene-pool while the lifeguard was in the bathroom,” the colleague with no name or gender said.

Sudat Pasqual is the Incompetent Authority on Irrelevant Implausible News, Kekirilanthaya