President does New York
President Sirisena has left for New York to address the United Nations General Assembly. Sirisena will be accompanied by his foreign minister, and they are expected to visit Katz Deli and re-enact the scene from the movie When Harry met Sally. President Sirisena is expected to play the role of Sally in the re-enactment. After his speech to the Assembly, Sirisena will meet with the leader of Malta and conduct a one-hour workshop on the movie The Maltese Falcon.
Sri Lanka delegation gets food stamps, but no XXX movies
Members of Sri Lanka delegation, accompanying President Sirisena on his trip to New York to re-enact the scene from the movie When Harry met Sally at the famous Katz Deli have been instructed not to order XXX rated movies on their Motel 6 pay per view channel. Each member of the entourage has been provided with an inflatable doll, four bottles of Gal Arrack, a list of cash-only massage therapists near their hotel, and the US government-issued food stamps worth $500.
The US authorities have also provided a list of establishments who will cash the food stamps for a fee and the address of the closest soup kitchen. President Sirisena’s propagandist said that the Sri Lankan consular general to the UN was currently negotiating with the Salvation Army to house President Sirisena’s servants at a minimal cost.
“If the Salvation Army agrees to house our lot, we will cancel the reservations at Motel 6,” the propagandist said. According to the propagandist, these measures will show the world that President Sirisena is serious about humiliating his country on the global scene.
Prez Sira threatens NY city officials
New York City officials have accused President Sirisena of ruining the city’s reputation as a place that never sleeps. “His speech at the UN put just about everyone to sleep! I tried to listen to it and woke up the next day!” an obviously displeased official blurted out.
In related news, the media office of the UN has confirmed that three people were seen not asleep during the address by the President of Sri Lanka. According to the UN, an interpreter, a translator, and a camera handler were forced to stay awake due to the nature of their jobs. “We have provided them with access to trauma centers,” the media office stated.
Reacting to the news, a visibly angry Sirisena threatened to send his Prime Minister to the next Assembly session. “ Sleep? That man will put the city in a coma!” Sirisena blurted.
Real reason why Daham was in NY
President Sirisena defended his decision to bring his son on his visit to the US by pointing out that nepotism and abuse of power was an essential part of his job. “Ask Mahinda. He will tell you the same,” Sirisena suggested. In addition, Sirisena said that he could not leave his son with the mother because she could not control his son’s behavior. “Daham is a libidinous young man. He has needs. I thought it would be better for him to sow his wild oats outside Sri Lanka,” Sirisena explained.
UN calls for written understanding from Daham
The UN General Assembly has passed a resolution calling on Daham Sirisena to submit a 1000-word essay on the evils of nepotism and abuse of power. Daham said that he will first consult Dr. Ariyaratne of Sarvodaya and then get the person who sat for all of Namal Baba’s law school exams to write the essay. An un-contrite Daham said that he has learned a painful lesson that no amount of taxpayer money was worth it if he had to sit through one of his father’s speeches. He also threatened to inflict harm on his person if he is forced to listen to another speech by his father.
Australia commits to Kangaroo Court
Australia and Sri Lanka will co-sponsor the UN resolution on Mahinda Rajapaksa, members of his extended family, and close associates. The resolution is expected to spell out in detail the findings that must be found by whoever is appointed to rubberstamp the already found findings.
GTF to the rescue
The Global Tamil Forum (GTF) says that it will cover all expenses of Daham “New York” Sirisena’s trip to the US. “It will come from our people smuggling budget,” a person who refused to be identified or photographed said.
New York monkeys
What was meant to be a relaxing outing for President Sirisena turned to a public relations nightmare when he called the baseball team New York Yankees the “New York Monkeys”. Later Sirisena almost caused a riot at the Katz Deli when he asked for a vegan corn beef sandwich on roast-paan. Sirisena compounded error when he asked the manager why they put corn in their beef. Sirisena’s security detail was told to remove their subject before the scene turned ugly. “I would not want to see the gentleman getting penetrated with dill pickles,” said the manager of the deli.Sudat Pasqual is the Incompetent Authority on Irrelevant Implausible News, Kehirilanthaya