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China and Gota’s Army vow to eliminate Cormorants and Pelicans
China says India has no reason to worry about upcoming joint-military exercises between China and Gota’s Army. “We are only targeting the cormorants and pelicans in the Beira Lake, for crying out loud! Modi needs to calm down and hold on to his neon orange tights,” said Senior Colonel Chenglin who will be directing the cormorant and pelican eliminating exercise.

Sasthara woman returns
Ishy Nishy Bishy Wal, John Kerry’s stenographer and America’s chief Buttinski in South Asia has read the feeble mind of the Sirisena administration and concluded that the pinhead size organ did have the right intention to find the truth as prescribed by Washington. However, Buttinski said she was not sure whether Sirisena or his Dinosaur Cabinet had the intestinal fortitude to do the right thing.

Mattala gets Sira treatment
Reacting to widespread criticism of his government’s neglect of the Mattala Airport, President Sirisena has issued a presidential fatwa making Mattala a landing strip for planes, trains, and automobiles in distress. Sirisena said that Mattala has already hosted one aircraft in distress successfully and his government was going to market the destination aggressively to safety challenged airlines like Malaysian.

No names Zeid
According to Zeid yada yada, something or the other of the UNHRC, the report was dictated to his staff by the Ishy Bishy Nishy Walla, woman from the US State Department. He also said that the report did not mention names of the alleged perpetrators because they could not pronounce or spell the names. “Also, there were no mentions of any Rajapaksas so we thought there was no need to look for a haystack in a paddy field,” Zaid yada yada said.

Siribirius endorses Cliff Notes
President Siribirius says he read every single word of the Cliff Notes of the UNHRC report on Sri Lanka. Siribirius says that he was disjointed by the report’s failure to name names, especially the name Rajapaksa. “It seems to me that this Zeid fellow has thrown the ball right back into our not so hybrid court. Looks like I might have to make some hard decisions, again. The last time I put my foot down, I twisted the hell out of my right ankle and I was traumatized for almost a full week. There is no rest for the wicked, I tell you!” a thoroughly disjointed Sirisena whimpered.

UN approves Kangaroo courts for Rajapaksa loyalists
While the UN, Europeans, and Yankees have asked Sri Lankan authorities to wait till the all-knowing all-fair judicial hybrid is in place to find the appropriate scapegoats for winning the war against terrorism, the same justice and fair play loving lot have encouraged the Sri Lankan government to proceed with the existing pure bred Kangaroo justice system to pin the blame on Rajapaksa loyalists.

The JVP’s warning
The JVP has issued a warning to the people of Sri Lanka, stating that it will soon release a statement on the UNHRC report. It threatened that the statement will be an exhaustive one and will cover the impending class war between 21.5 million sensible Sri Lankans and the 550,000 JVP voters. A section of the statement will deal with the irrelevance of Che’s experience in Bolivia to the current situation in Sri Lanka as well, a JVP member said.

President gets all clear to put feet in mouth
President Sirisena has been released from the Merchant Ward of the General Hospital after suffering from a severe ankle strain. According to a close associate of the President, the injury occurred when he put his right foot down too hard when dealing with the UPFA dissident group, the 30-snots. The presidential associate said that Sirisena is not used to putting his foot down that hard and instead of landing on the balls of his feet, the President had landed on a recently discarded banana peel. It was an ambul peel, the associate explained. Doctors have advised the President to avoid hard decisions and to let the Prime Minister do all the feet putting down, as usual. However, doctors have cleared the President to put his feet in his mouth, one at time.

Not enough eminent
Reacting to motor-mouth Rajitha Senaratne’s promise to appoint mythical eminent persons as advisors to all ministries, government spokesperson said that the proposal has been put on hold due to the shortage of ‘eminent’ persons. The spokesperson said that there were simply too many ministries and not enough eminent ones. “We lost count of the number of ministries. Even our Media Unit who usually only get their metaphors mixed, is getting all mixed up about these ministries,” a harried looking spokesperson explained.

A hybrid high bridge
The Government of Sri Lanka said that the State Engineering Corporation has accepted the challenge to build a high bridge as demanded by Zeid yada yada something or the other of the UNHCR. A government spokesperson said that construction will start immediately after the UNHCR threatens Sri Lanka with economic sanctions. The high bridge will connect country’s dysfunctional court complex at Hultsdorf and the fortified UNDP bunker at Thunmulla. A person who was loitering in the background wearing a T-shirt that requested all to “Oogle the Google” said that the plan will use 10,000 Google balloons to make the 5G connection.Sudat Pasqual is the Incompetent Authority of Irrelevant Implausible News, Kekirilanthaya