Snot-30 group formed to dispose venomous phlegm
Thirty angry snots of MPs from the UPFA have decided to sit and sulk in the farthest left corner of the well of Parliament as a protest against the decision by the majority of their Alliance members to join their favorite non-SLFP party, the UNP. “We will sulk till there is no more phlegm,” said Walkumaraya, the leader of the Snot-30 group
Wife-swapping ok, but MP-swapping not ok
The government of Sri Lanka will allow Cabinet Ministers, Deputy Ministers, State Ministers, Deputy State Ministers, Anglican Ministers, and Catholic Ministers to switch their portfolios, partners, religions and/or sleeping positions. However, NO ONE will be allowed to switch positions with an MP because MPs are an endangered species.

2.2222222 percent logic
According to the Janatha Vedabari Peramuna (JVP), the government must put a halt to all their business the minute JVP voices concern over any issue. According to the self-centered Vedabari ones, the party that is in control of 2.2222222222 percent of the MPs in Parliament must have a greater say than all others. Fortunately, nobody seems to be paying attention to the Vedabari ones.

Truth of the matter
“Maybe Cabinet, maybe not Minister of Mass Media,” Gayantha K urged country’s journalists to write and speak the truth unlike the country’s parliamentarians. The Minister suggested that journalists should stop wasting their time trying to decipher the hidden meaning behind all the lies uttered daily by parliamentarians. “Do you really think I mean what I say?” the Minister asked his audience.

In related news, a joint communiqué from the Editors Guild said that they never bothered to decipher words of politicians because hardly any politician knew the meaning of ‘decipher’ or ‘truth’. However, the editors said that they will take the Minister’s advice, and stop providing free publicity to politicians. The Editors Guild stated that going forward politicians will have to purchase space in their publications to carry their lies and the wording of the lies will also have to be provided by the offending politician’s staff.

President to bore the reading public to death
The Chief Presidential Spoker says that President Siribirus has commissioned an up-and-becoming whippersnapper of a dabbler to pen his biography. According to the Spoker, Uditha Devapriya (no relation to the former Sri Lankan wicket-keeper batsman Hemantha) an aspiring writer cum movie director is the chosen one.

The Spoker said that he had also approached a number of veteran journalists regarding the project, but was discouraged and frightened by the hostility directed against him. The Spoker said that three had threatened to mutilate his genitalia, while had two mentioned sewer rats and his mother in the same sentence, and another three had threatened to bore him a separate anal cavity.

The Spoker went on to say that Udi Boy was extremely supportive of the project, and was even willing to entertain ideas from the President. “It is so refreshing to come across a writer who is yet to be deflowered by the cynicism that is so rampant in our society. Udi has already decided to name the book, The Venal Merchant. He says it is in honor of some Ivory Merchant movie dudes. Isn’t he a dahling?” the Spoker asked no one in particular.
When inquiring minds queried Devapriya on the thankless job, Udi the Dahling said that he was greatly encouraged by the amount of money the President was willing to waste on the project and the amount of money he was set to make far outweighed any negativity associated with penning such a miserable story. “Shiiit man, I wouldn’t have to work ever again! I plan to buy a motorbike with a side-car and tour the island; you know like Che in Motorcycle Diaries?” Udi mused and then pleaded with all present not to tell his parents.

GOSL, a crime
A consortium of international do-gooders consisting of Amnesty International, UNHRC, Transparency International, and a bunch other donor(-sucking) agencies, has declared the Sirisena-Wickremesinghe government of the Anamalu Republic of Sri Lanka a crime against humanity.

Savannah takes over Attanagalla
According to former President and current Savannah the Vast’s sometime spokesman, Savannah has appointed herself as the organizer of parties and orgies in the Attanagalla electorate. “She’s bloody good at it!” the spokesperson gushed.

Ranil on pilgrimage
Prime Minister Wickremesinghe has undertaken a pilgrimage to New Delhi, India. While in New Delhi, the PM will pay homage to his favorite Pusari Modi.

Soviet abuser released
Manjula Weerakoon, charged with verbally abusing a diplomat from a Soviet organized crime family, has been released pending the translation of his alleged words. The Soviet criminal has told the police in gibberish that he had no freaking clue about what was said by Weerakoon. The Police are also looking for a government-certified translator of gibberish to understand the Soviet criminal.Sudat Pasqual is the Incompetent Authority on Irrelevant Implausible News, Kekirilanthya

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