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Sira’s promises
President Gal Anda Siribirius, making a special policy statement, said that going forward whichever party he latches on to will set aside 60 percent of National List allotment to losers. Gal Anda said the formula is from his own childlike brain. The President also said that roughly 60 percent of all contestants in any given election are confirmed losers and to ignore that reality would be most uncivil.

‘Buddhist’ threat
Anti-anybody, but Buddhists patriots of Sri Lanka have denounced the appointment of a Tamil Sri Lankan as the Leader of the Opposition. These patriots said that just because the Tamil National Alliance has the most number of MPs in the Opposition should not guarantee the position to the largest party. “It is so transparently democratic! We will hold a projectile vomiting session in front of the Fort Railway Station to show how uncouth we are,” a projectile vomit loving anti-anybody nobody exclaimed violently.

Speaker Rules
The Speaker of Parliament has ruled that in order for a MP to be considered the leader of a political party, the party must have more than one member during the first session of the new Parliament. Speaking to the media, the Speaker said he told MPs Pathola Dinesh, Weenie Wansa, Hotu Gamma, and Halitosis Nana that he will erect a wall between the four leaders and the real MPs. “They are a bloody nuisance. Obviously, the country needs electoral reform desperately. We cannot allow dolts like these the opportunity to get elected and lower the average IQ of the Parliament. It is just not cricket,” the harried Speaker said.

The next Black Hole
Political observers of the absurd and the ridiculous were absolutely devastated when Donald Trump and Chandrika Kumaratunga both made sensible statements in a public forum during the same week. The phenomenon was so unexpected that astronomers are considering naming the next black hole in the universe Trumptunga. One awestruck stargazer was heard mumbling that this was like sighting the Halley’s Comet thrice in the same century. The same stargazer was later found in the fetal position repeating the phrase: “I was so sure there was no god but then this happened.”

Savannah gets hot
Self-declared Hot Spot and former ruler of Anamalu Republic of Diego Lanka, Chandrika says that the BBC was wrong when they quoted her as saying ‘our government’. An indignant Hot Spot said that even the dorkiest of dorks knew that this was HER government. If the BBC did not air a retraction Hot Spot threatened to stop taking her anti-delusional medication. “The country elected me twice when I was off medication and I don’t think we want to revisit that nightmare,” an obviously on-the-edge former tormentor of country formerly known as Sri Lanka hissed.

CID captures 16 suspects
The CID has captured 16 suspects suspected to be involved in the shooting to death of two people on July 31, 2015 during a drug transaction to raise campaign funds for the country’s Minister of Finance. CID said that it was confident that they will be able to apprehend the actual shooter eventually. “All the suspects are in. Now it is just a matter of finding the shooter. With these 16 in custody, it takes them out of the equation. We are very confident that the riddle can be solved before the next general election,” the CID statement elaborated.

Sira’s salute
An emotional President Siribirius, , speaking on the 69th birth anniversary of his favourite homeless shelter Sirikotha, said that Sirikotha was where he gave into his feeble mind and body and latched onto the leather elbow patched coattail of Ranil Wickremesinghe and buncoed his own party.

The President further said that converting the 69 to a 96 should be the goal of Sirikotha dwellers and he will be there in spirit doing a 69 on the 96. Siribirus said that he will tattoo “There is only one Ranil” on his left buttock as a show of gratitude to his one god and immediately kissed the mud-stained footprints of Wickremesinghe in the hallway.

Floating armoury
The Government of Anamalu Republic of Diego Lanka has discontinued the inquiry of the Floating armoury after investigators found that the armoury was stationary. “It never floated!” a visibly thrilled sleuth declared.

Government abolishes Bribery Commission
The Government of Sri Lanka has decided to abolish the Bribery Commission established in 1994 to combat corruption in the overwhelmingly Buddhist bribery loving country. According to the government, after two decades of wasting public money it was obvious even to the most obtuse that Sri Lankans are hopelessly addicted to bribery. Considering this, the government will introduce legislation to legalize bribery.

Malik’s bonus
The Chairman of the UNP has been given a Cabinet portfolio to expand the international trade of his companies’ apparel. The Prime Minister’s office said that it was a transparent payoff for decades of loyalty to the PM but it was hard earned.

Sudat Pasqual is the Incompetent Authority on Irrelevant Implausible News, Kekirilanthaya