The coppery slippery road to Thambayadom
MP Thambaya Senasinghe has been granted leave to abstain from attending the trial where he is accused of breaking election laws, threatening a police officer and other Thambaya-like tacky and obnoxious acts till the new Cabinet is appointed. “What if the buffoon is appointed to the Cabinet? I will never become a proper judge!” explained the Magistrate.

The besieged MP said his inexplicably boorish behaviour was brought on because he was constantly under pressure from the numerically and intellectually superior Royalists in Ranil Wickremesinghe’s inner circle to overcome his natural affinity to the bovine family.  The Thamba MP said that because he went to a school in Kandy, he was considered a hillbilly and he had to act out in public to gain his leader’s attention. “It’s always Ravi this, Eran that, Harsha the other! How is a person who has no self-respect deal with that kind of rejection day in and day out?” the MP lamented.

Coke and diesel a lethal mix
The government of Sri Lanka will create a Multi-National Corporation Protection Agency (MNCPA) after global giant Coca Cola complained that the country’s Consumer and Environment protection authorities were not concerned about their profit margin. According to Coca Cola, these two bodies were only concerned with the welfare of the general public and it was likely that their lack of sensitivity to MNC’s profit generating formulas would discourage other environmentally insensitive MNC’s to invest in high risk ventures in Sri Lanka. A Coca Cola official was overreacting to Sri Lanka’s decision to suspend the company’s operation in Colombo after it was found that a large quantity of Coca Cola grade diesel was dumped in the Kelani River by the company, causing the disruption of the water supply to the nation’s capital. The official said that the company has temporarily stopped using diesel in the Coke formula in order to avoid another immediate catastrophe.

However, Coca Cola said that it expects the government of Sri Lanka to allocate a river that could be polluted with diesel and other chemicals as soon as people found another man-made disaster to vent their spleen on and when that decision is made, Coke will move their polluting facilities to a new location closer to another metropolitan area to continue their mayhem.

Waiting for Latha
Lakshman Kiriella, the newly-appointed Leader of the forcefully unified House of Cards that is Sri Lanka’s Parliament, has immediately placed an order for 25 rawhide bullwhips to be delivered to his office. Kiriella said that it is likely that he will have to use all 25 before the next Budget is presented, but said if Savannah got hold of the whips he may need replacements sooner.

Pathola Dinesh on democracy
Leader of Mahajanayata Epauna Peramuna (MEP) Pathola Dinesh says that the recently-concluded general election was not fair because it was free and all candidates were able to campaign without fear. Pathola said that during the Rajapaksa dictatorship, the Opposition was made to feel terrified every time they stepped out to campaign and that fear kept the Rajapaksa regime in power.

President Sirisena has destroyed the fear psychosis of the Opposition, MEP leader complained. He went on to say that the new Cabinet was too small and the new ministers will be actually provided Budgets and will also be required to be productive and accountable. Most of the new ministers will find those expectations unreasonable, he predicted. The country is headed in the right direction and it will be difficult to go astray, he warned.

Lists (National or Otherwise)
Somawathige Chandrasiri, Vice Chairman of Mahajanayata Epawuna Peramuna (MEP), has filed a petition pleading the Supreme Court to stop the gazetting of the UPFA national list. If the UPFA list is gazetted, Chandrasiri argues, he will be denied the right to act the goat in public as guaranteed by his party’s constitution.

Tamil Nationalists to do the Full Monty
Tamil Nationalists in Sri Lanka say that they will change their tactics in their quest to attain nationhood. “In the past, we undertook full frontal physical confrontation, but instead will indulge in public behaviour that is so repulsive that no halfway decent Sinhalese will want to be associated with us. In other words, we will start a campaign of full frontal nudity to compel the Sinhalese to secede from us,” a spokesman for the movement stated.

The Ishy Bishy Nishy one comes a calling
The United States has donated one million dollars to build skate board parks in Northern Sri Lanka. Assistant Gopher for South Asian Affairs and Secretary of State Kerry’s stenographer Ishy Nishi Bishy-Wal visited America’s latest acquisition in the Indian Ocean to personally handover the cheque to cash-strapped President Gal Anda Siribirius. Siribirius said he has never seen a bored skirt but was looking forward to seeing Sri Lanka’s northern lassies dressed in colourful bored skirts.

Sira told to hold elections
The European Union had ordered their underling Maithripala Sirisena to hold local government elections by November 2015. Sirisena was overheard saying, “Yow sir, whatever you say sir!” to the telephone receiver.

Sudat Pasqual is the Incompetent Authority on Irrelevant Implausible News, Kekirilanthaya