Today ‘The Asipatha’ presents a modern day political skit instead of the usual political round-up, and since it beats any analysis, the Editor hopes you are braced for it:
President Sirisena is interviewed by the television channel with the largest viewership in the world, YOY.
YOY specializes in asking questions that should be asked and everyone is afraid to ask, but mostly these questions are of the variety of ‘why oh why.’
So, without much further ado, here is the transcript of the most recent interview that YOY, which is a distant cousin of CNN, and a half bother of BBC, had with President Sirisena.
YOY: Yo, Mr. President, what is the symbol of your party which was successful at the recently held elections?
(The President turns to his advisor who is by his side. Tell me what time of day is it, he asks. 2 pm says the advisor.)
The President says that his party is the SLFpie.
YOY:How is the time of day relevant to that Mr. President?
President: Well, if it was before 12 noon, it would have been UNpie.
President: Why, you should have guessed.
What is more appropriate? I’m the Chairman of that party, and when I show them the middle finger — which is always — it is the end of the story. My before 12 noon party, they so love my little finger.
YOY: Some countries are enamoured with your brand of democracy. What do you think about that? Are you cut from some special cloth?
President: Search me. Each time I show the middle finger, they love me.
YOY: Your party performed very well at the elections. Did your middle finger have something to do with it?
President: No, no. I assume you are talking of the after 12 noon party? I got intelligence reports that they are going to win. So since I’m a morning person, I saw to it that the morning party won.
YOY: But you could have seen to it that the evening party of which you are Chairman, at least held your home district.
President: You still don’t understand do you? You see, it’s all about me. It’s what is called democracy, and why those foreign countries love me. For instance, I appointed all their losers through the National Slit.
YOY: Oh that. I met this Gypsies fellow Sunil Perera who is writing a song about it …
President: I knew Sunil will like it because it is called slit democracy. Anyone who remotely looks like a loser, you enter them through the Slit.
YOY: Is that like entering Kumar Sangakkara as the High Commissioner for UK, through cover?
President: Aiyyo, that dumb fellow. See he got the highest average of his era, and until recently had the highest batting average, next to Don Bradman, who is like that fellow MR, a larger than life figure. (Spits.) Anyway, personally, if Kumar had any brains he would have aimed for a zero average. But he wanted to excel. You know, like win hearts and minds of people when he is batting.
Look, to make a long story short, if he had a zero average, I would have entered him through the National Slit, and made him Ports Minister, Sports Minister and Prime Minister.
YOY: But how about the adoring crowds? I mean would they have, you know, liked that? I mean if he got a zero average, what would the crowds think of say Mahela who is his partner, and on whose superior batting skills the team rode to many victories. (Assuming Sanga had a zero batting average, that is.)
President: I show my middle finger to that kind of question. Here. You see, my predecessor, I called him a sonduru aadnadahakaya. As for me, I don’t like this sonduru business.
YOY: Excuse me Mr. President, but what is sonduru?
President: This is the thing when a paradigm shift is being carried out. You need to explain everything to the uninitiated. Sonduru means things such as not entering any losers through the National Slit. Or not going to a cricket match and doling out High Commissioner posts when it is your private property and you are entitled to do so. You see the party is my private property. The people who voted are to be shown the middle finger to ….
YOY: Heh, heh, that is like, sonduru times ten, noh? Now we are getting the idea. But we have to ask one question. Even that Buddhist monk who supported you had said that he does not like your method of entering through the National Slit.
President: What do Buddhist monks know about slits, eh? At least you must ask a intellectual like that Gypsies guy Sunil Perera. What can I do with fellows like you? You write this down. If fellows want to enter their school cricket teams, they must not give their fathers heart attacks like that fellow Sanga. They must do the correct thing and play like book cricket. I mean none of them must try to win the hearts and minds of fans and things like that.
When they have an average of about 0.02 (I mean they could do better), then they are in the pavilion.
They are in the reserve list.
Then I will write one grand letter to the school Principal and say, get that fellow who bats like Sanga out of the team, and put all those reserves into the team. May be I will call Maduluwawe Sobitha to chant pirith after that.
YOY: You mean Sunil Perera?
President: No no, he is there to sing, paradune mung, nethivune mung, numbalata then, engille ithin.
President: (Striking a baila pose): Singnore, I lost, I’m finished. But here is the slit people, and this is my finger people.
YOY (beaming) : Racy when you say, Mr. President.
President: Racy? You thought I’m Namal Rajapaksa? Democ-racy. It’s democ-racy. OK you go tata. Nitharama-suffering, now you bring in that Nisha and Keshap. My finger needs a rest, for god’s sakes. ‘Neeeeeesha, lassanayi oya.’