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Gal Anda Siribirius’ 3 Rs
“I am a believer of the 3 Rs: Recycle, Rejected, Refuse.”

President Jelly Knee Sirisena aka Gal Anda explaining the method used to decide on UPFA’s national list

Bad hair and worse clothing rep
Mahinda Rajapaksa has said that he has urged the President to appoint Mrs. Wimal Weeniewansa from the National List to represent people with bad hair; even worse clothing; adults in dire need of orthodontic work; and to provide companionship to her fellow annoyance Pavithra in Parliament.

Spaying and neutering of political opponents
The Government of Sri Lanka has declared that people who voted for following individuals and prolonged the cruel and unusual suffering of the masses will be hunted down and spayed and or neutered;

1. Wimal Weeniewansa from Colombo
2. Pathola Dinesh G from Colombo
3. Halitosis Nana from Ratnapura
4. The fat and dumb Muthu from Galle
5. Gona Kanuwe Bandula G from Colombo

Siyalladath position in Cabinet filled
Champ Pat, the all-knowing and all-being, says more meaningless financial crime laws will be enacted to deal with imaginary crimes of the Rajapaksa family. If still no crimes seem to have been committed or the soon-to-be-legal, The FCID personnel are too stupid to find the crimes, the government will simply legislate that the imaginary crimes are real.

Champ Pat also said that his former bosom buddy the Ata Kotu Hamuduruwo too principled to be appointed as a MP. “You give that man an inch, he will insist that we run a clean government and will ask us to desist from persecuting the Rajapaksas. Well, that isn’t going to happen. My whole existence is about paligenima,” said the born-again hatemonger.

SLFP runs short of vertebrates
The Sri Lanka Freedom Party’s (SLFP) first post-August 17 Central Committee meeting was adjourned when one of the 20 vertebrates present pointed out that the meeting did not meet the constitutional requirement of having a minimum of 25 vertebrates in attendance to form a quorum.

The same annoying vertebrate also pointed out that according to the Party’s constitution, the average IQ of the members forming the quorum must be equal or greater than 70 for a Committee meeting to be valid and suggested that the Chairman and the Patron of the party abstain from attending future Central Committee meetings to increase the chance of meeting the IQ requirement.

Jelly Knee Siribirius’ supervisor Savannah the Vast, in a move that confirmed the moral bankruptcy of the Sri Lanka Freedom Party (SLFP) has appointed loser candidate and perennial gus-gemba SB Dissanayake, as the treasurer of the party.

Gna happy with self
Galayata Gna the cave-dwelling chief Buddhist skinhead of Sri Lanka says that he is impressed with the pitiful performance of his newly- formed Balu Jungi Peramuna (BJP). Galaya said that getting across the 1,000 vote threshold nationwide was incredible. “I creamed in my robes and it felt sooo good!” an obviously self-gratified Galaya gushed.

GSP for UNP
According to the partial head of the partial European Union (EU) election observer mission, their motto, ‘UNP or NO GSP!’ seemed to have worked liked magic at Sri Lanka’s August 17 general election. “We are also very happy that an unrepentant anglophile was manipulated into the position of Prime Minister again by Jelly Knee,” the partial head of the partial body said.

New government to lift import tariffs on Chinese products
It is reliably learnt that Sri Lanka’s new government is considering eliminating all tariffs and duty on Chinese-made goods as a goodwill gesture. A close deviant friend of the Prime Minister said that Chinese bashing was no longer needed and that the country must realize the importance China completing all the development projects started under the Rajapaksa regime.

The deviant one also said that the government has agreed with the Chinese on a new virtual pay-off. The scam is the brainchild of government’s twin pillars of financial evil, Bondi M and Ravi K, the deviant one said.

Gal Anda Siribirius reluctant to run again
President Gal Anda Siribirus has been urged to reconsider his earlier decision not to impose his unimaginative and slimy self on the country for an excruciatingly painful second term by a bunch of ignoramuses pretending to represent a mythical body called the “civil society”. It is reliably learnt that Gal Anda Siribirius is reluctant to run again because it might deprive Ranil Wickremesinghe of the opportunity to become the President. There is speculation that Wickremesinghe agreed to support SIribirius with the clear understanding that he will not seek re-election Sudat Pasqual is the Incompetent Authority on Irrelevant Implausible news, Kekirilanthaya