Ranil thanks Sira, Barack, and Narendra
Ranil Wickremesinghe thanked the Sri Lankans who voted for him and his party as directed by Presidents Sirisena and Obama and Prime Minister Modi. Wickremesinghe said that if not for the clear instructions handed out in all three languages at each polling booth he would have lost another one.

Sri Lankans embracing monastic life
The latest Gallup poll of barely awake Sri Lankans confirms the long suspected belief that the majority of Sri Lankans will join a monastery if they were forced to watch/listen or read about Maithripala Sirisena, Ranil Wickremesinghe, Mahinda Rajapaksa, or Chandrika Kumaratunga beyond August 17, 2015.

The poll was based on in person interviews of 1,000 semi-comatose registered voters since Gallup could not get most of the persons to stay awake during a 30 second phone interview. Gallup said that 85% of the interviewed were preoccupied with monastic thoughts and 75% of them had already made tentative reservations at various monasteries around the country.

According to Gallup, they had to remove the names of Sujeewa Senansinghe, Ravi Karunanayake and Susil Premjayantha from the survey because the mere mention of the three made most of the interviewed turn violent. “15 of our employees were told that if they mentioned the names of the three again, all their orifices would be stuffed with bird’s eye peppers and another 10 were told that they would be penetrated by monitor lizards. While some of our employees were naturally curious about monitor lizards and were willing to risk it, we felt that reptiles should not be abused for gratuitous reasons,” Gallup explained.

Rajapaksa to shadow Ranil
Mahinda Rajapaksa says that he will be the Shadow Prime Minister and will appoint a Shadow Cabinet to discredit anything and everything proposed by Ranil Wickremesinghe and his Cabinet. Rajapaksa said all criticism will be based on the racial and religious superiority of the South-of-Bentota-Ganga Sinhala Buddhists.

“I also plan to work closely with our stalker friends in the Vedabari Peramuna,” the former dictator said.

Election Commissar says sorry
The Commissar of Elections has apologized to the Prime Minister of India and the American Ambassador for taking such an absurdly long time to count ballot papers.
“We had only 20 electrical calculators to do the calculating. As you know Sri Lanka has 22 polling districts and seven of those districts are majority Tamil speaking districts and our calculators were all in Sinhala. It took us a while to find bilingual calculators. I am also to be blamed because I got distracted by the picture that showed me inspecting some ballot papers in 2013. I am good looking, yeah? Won’t happen again, I promise,” the Commissar said.

JVP blames voters
Janatha Vedabari Peramuna (JVP) has blamed the voters for another electoral humiliation. The head of Vedabari said that the people were too sophisticated for his Tuk-Tuk, Samupakara, and umbrella loving Party. The tearful leader said that all he wanted to be was the best Town Crier the country had ever seen. “What’s wrong with that? Not everyone has a vision for the future and it is not fair to expect us to have a coherent national policy. We are small-timers man!” the leader said wiping a glob of phlegm from his moustache.

IGP says Sajin Gon Bas was the reason
The Inspector General of Police has commended the people of Sri Lanka for conducting a peaceful election after almost two decades. He vehemently denied any prior knowledge of the peaceful outcome and indignantly pointed out that the outcome was solely due to the incarceration of Sajin Gon Bas, the former Mattaya of Dictator Mulana’s inner circle. Without the Gon Bas, the Mulana camp does not have the brains to inflict widespread mayhem, the IGP said.

Bondi to conduct audit
Bondi Mahendran, the Governor of Sri Lanka’s Central Bank says that it is time that a complete audit was done of Golden Key, the money vacuuming arm of the Kotelawala House of Cards. The Governor who is widely accepted as a person unconcerned and unchallenged by the ethical demands of his high office said that the seven year period required by the government to dispose whatever assets they could of the financially ruined company as they saw fit without being constrained by laws of the land had come to an end, there was no need to prolong the agony.

“We might even take an inventory of the items available to be looted by our supporters before handing them over in case we are called upon to account for our actions at a later date. If push comes to shove, we will issue more overvalued government bonds to cover all the losses,” Bondi clarified.Sudat Pasqual is the Incompetent Authority on Irrelevant Implausible news,Kekirilanthaya