David Beckham

“Savannah is roaming the streets of Colombo,” warns IGP
Savannah the Vast, the delusional former head specialist has been seen out of her kumbaha (den) trying to convince a tired and turned-off audience to vote for her latest political gimmicks at the upcoming elections, confirming long-held suspicions that she has fallen off the kasiya wagon. Again.

On a more promising note, the ‘coming out’ and ‘falling off’does signal that the silly, silly political season is finally coming to an end and the people will get a break from the idiot brigade.

The Inspector General of Police has issued a directive to the populace to lock the doors and hide their children if Savannah is seen in the vicinity of their homes. “We are working on establishing an alert similar to the early Tsunami warning system, but considering her vastness, we have to cover an extensive area and we need more time,” a worried IGP stated.

Vice President shi-i-t!
Janaka Bandiya, one of the dozen or so non-working vice presidents of the Sri Lanka Freedom Party (SLFP) has accused former President and current Patron Saint of Lost Causes, Savannah the Vast, of undermining her own party’s chances at the upcoming general election by asking the voters to choose candidates with integrity. “Integrity?! Who the hell is she trying to fool? Just about everybody knows that there is no integrity in the SLFP. Sh-i-i-t man, I am a vice president!” the man who loves to worship false idols squeaked.

However, the former Dictator of Mulana has come to the defense of the Vast One and issued a statement thanking her and for coming out of hiding in Europe to campaign on behalf of his Alliance. “Every time she is seen in public outside Colombo 7, I get a surge in my support and every time she speaks in public I can count a voter swing of 1% in my favor. In spite of all the mean things she says about me, I know that deep down she wants to be with me. Thanks Savannah!” a grateful Dictator said.

Flag lion is also dead
The Wildlife Conservation Fund has confirmed that the lion depicted on the flag at a political rally of former Dictator of Sri Lanka was indeed the same lion that was killed in Zimbabwe by a visiting dentist from Minnesota, USA using a confounding bow. “The flag lion was killed by Maithripala Sirisena on January 8, 2015 and the people of Sri Lanka have nothing to fear,” the Fund said.

Bend it like Beckham
The Dictator of Mulana says that if his coalition wins the general election, the first four years of his administration will be dedicated to clearing his name, his children’s names, and his wife’s name of all wrongdoing, whether true or not. “After my family is cleared of all the wrongs we have done, if I have the energy I will attend to issues that affect the lives of my subjects. Till then, the subjects will have to suck it up and bend it like Beckham,” the dictator said.

Of Jelly Knees and taped speeches
Jelly Knee Siribirius has been ordered by the Election Commissioner to remove a Secretary of a Ministry because a person has complained that the Secretary in question was seen talking to a person who is suspected of having listened to a taped speech of Mahinda Rajapaksa.

“Good enough for the Commissioner, good enough for me,” said the Jelly Kneed one.

Commissioner denies allegations of unstained candidates
The Elections Commissioner of Diego Lanka has issued a statement declaring that news of unstained humans masquerading as candidates at the upcoming general election is grossly exaggerated. The Commissioner also rapped the knucklehead part-timer Jelly Knee for speaking through his backside. Again.

“This man has been in politics for 40 years in Sri Lanka and talks about integrity of candidates and unsullied candidates with a straight face??? All he is doing is encouraging people to stay away from the polls by uttering this type of nonsense. I seriously wonder about his fitness to be Ranil’s deputy,” an irate Elections Commissioner quipped.
In related news, Jelly Knee Siribirius has offered a life time supply of stain remover at taxpayers’ expense to all ethically-stained candidates contesting the August 17 general election. Considering that there is over 4,000 candidates, the pigheaded gesture is estimated to cost the taxpayers over one billion Euros.
Sudat Pasqual is the Incompetent Authority on Irrelevant Implausible news,Kekirilanthaya