Tilvin Silva

Donald the Trump endorsed by 48 states; holds the joker card
All states of the United States except for Alaska and Minnesota have decided to name Donald Trump as their official State idiot. Alaska said they were quite happy with the way Sarah Palin has been handling the job of the official State idiot and did not see the need to give Trump a try. Minnesota said that Michelle Bachmann was tried and tested and had proved beyond a doubt that she belongs with the best idiots in the country and will give her a few more years on the job.

Finally, the truth of the Bond issue
“It was never meant to end up like this. The initial bond offering was to service the Chinese loans. What happened was that we were in the middle of a strategy session on the impending election. We knew Jelly Knee will not be able to hold it together for very long, but we were nowhere near where we needed to be in terms of campaign funds. It was the Chairman, Bondi, Saradiel and I working the angels.”

“We decided we need close to a billion if we are to pull it off. That’s when Saradiel came up with the brainwave. That man’s mind is a financial cesspit; always looking for a quick steal. Saradiel suggested that we up the ante on the bonds and find a malleable primary dealer and voila! We’ll have our funds.”

“All three of us looked at Bondi and it was sealed. I told them, I was never there. No brainer, but Bondi is a bit of a yokel on these matters and we had to twist the knife into him. It’s all about me and collateral damage is collateral damage. So, Perpetual would get the deal and kick back 75% of the commission to our slush fund. It was a carpe-diem moment and we carpe-diemed the crap out the bond deal.”

– Excerpts from Ranil Wickremesinghe’s new book, The Diary of an Imposing Impostor

Prime Minister told to crack the whip on ISIS by Guruji Kerry
Part time Prime Minister and full time President Ranil W has ordered the immediate water boarding of all family members of the suspected Sri Lankan ISIS member who was killed recently in the Middle East. “Man, I am just following John’s orders. I just wanted to get his NIC so we could get his vote, but John had other ideas, chain of command being what it is, you know?” Jelly Knee Siribirus’ boss explained.

FCID to get their dentures replaced
Part time President Jelly Knee Siribirus’ main Motor Mouth Senaratne says that the government will remove the dentures now in place at the to-be-made-legal-in-the-future Financial Crimes Investigations Division (FCID) and replace them with a ring of shark’s teeth. The new teeth will be used to chomp on juicy morsels of dictator of Mulana’s trail of thievery. However, all other chomping will be done using old dentures, Motor Mouth explained to a bored audience of cynical journalists.

JVP to lower the mandatory age for Euthanasia and other Vedabari news
The General Secretary of Janatha Vedabari Peramuna (JVP) says that his Vedabari Peramuna does not have any old people on its membership roster.

According to the General Secretary, when a person reaches the age of 48 years and 163 days, the ability of that person to absorb half-truths, redundant statements, and tall tales diminishes and their usefulness to Vedabari Peramuna reduces correspondingly. Considering the wastefulness of allowing such a wastebasket of creatures to squander limited squander-able resources, the JVP will lower the mandatory age for euthanasia to 49 years. However, members of the JVP Politburo will be exempted, from this requirement, the euthanasia-exempt Vedabari Secretary said.

“If wishes were horses”
The Politburo of the JVP had their annual “If wishes were horses” warped brainstorm session and decided to promote the following “If wishes were horses” wish list:
1.    Get rid of the presidency; again

2.    Mangoes and papayas would be considered equals of apples and oranges

3.    All will receive a Glock 9MM handgun on their 16th  birthday

4.    The Politburo would be able to think beyond Co-operative Societies and food coupons

5.    Ranil Wickremesinghe will be called “Brother #1”

6.    Colombo 7 would be converted to a community garden

7.    Mahinda Rajapaksa will be afflicted with a painful seven year itch

8.    Seven percent who voted for the JVP in the past will pinch their noses and do likewise on August 17, 2015

Infectious Lama
American televangelist and full time ignoramus Pat Robertson has issued a clarification on his remarks about Christians getting infected by Buddhists. Robertson said that he was only referring to the followers of cultist Dalai Lama and not Theravada Buddhists. Robertson said that Theravada Buddhists were similar to his flock in that they hated all non-believers, especially the Muslims. Robertson said that Lama’s smile, kindness, his sense of humour and tolerance of other religions was creating doubt among his bigoted flock. “Those qualities of the Lama are highly infectious!” the ignoramus exclaimed.
Sudat Pasqual is the Incompetent Authority on Irrelevant Implausible News, Kekirilanthaya