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Susil Premajayantha | www.omlanka.net

UPFA will unleash Operation Socks to make MR PM
According to one of the many imbeciles in the former dictator of Mulana’s coalition, if the former dictator is not made the PM after August 17, he and his fellow imbeciles will remove all the socks from whoever is in the well of the Parliament. “Without mace the Sergeant-at-Arms’ will not be able to walk upright and then we will install our man the dictator,” the most imbecilic of the lot explained.

Thus spoke Jelly kneed
“Democracy is only useful if and when it serves the narrow personal interests of the select few. For instance, it was great to live in a democracy on January 8, 2015 because it served my immediate needs, and more importantly allowed me to appoint my friend and mentor as the Prime Minister of the country, even though he barely had 25 percent support in Parliament. The 25 percent support is not important because he was supported by me and my new white friends.

“Now this August 17 election is a different kettle of fish altogether, because that unfriendly man from Mulana has a chance of winning. I can’t allow that because my democracy has no room for rule by a majority. Sri Lanka didn’t elect me to appoint a majority government. No sirree! They elected me because they want a government without Mahinda Rajapaksa. So, there you have it.”

Democracy according to jelly-kneed Siribirius

UNP says Bondi is what he is
The ethically anesthetised leadership of the United National Party (UNP) defended their decision to hide the findings of the Committee on Public Enterprises (COPE) report by saying that they knew all along that Bondi Mahendran was as crooked as a politician when they appointed him the Governor of the Central Bank. “He might be a crook, but he is our crook. We don’t want to confuse our simpleton voters with details and the depth of Bondi’s dishonesty. What they don’t know can’t hurt them,” one of the ethically anesthetized ones stated.

Ethanol-related news
The Customs Department of Diego Lanka has confirmed that Monapalanayada program of jelly- kneed Siribirius has indeed more than doubled the number of ethanol license holders in the country. “Prior to Monapalanayada, we had six importers and now we have 20,” a visibly pleased Director of Customs wearing a tailored Armani suit and tasselled alligator loafers stated.

Champ Pat of the new United National Front of Gus Gembas (UNFGG) says that the number of ethanol dealers will be increased to 22 after the August 17 election. “We plan to have at least one ethanol dealer in each political district. After that we will concentrate on increasing the numbers of jawaramkarayas, kudu dealers, and mega dealers,” the champ of gus gembas said with a straight face.

Stoners aweigh!
The 3rd One Day International cricket match between Sri Lanka and Pakistan was briefly disrupted by a stoning incident. After intensive attempts by the now confirmed illegal police unit FCID to try and pin the incident on the former Dictator of Sri Lanka yielded no evidence, the government of part-time President jelly-kneed Siribirius has released a statement written in an Appalachian dialect,t stating the stoning was due to excessive consumption of ethanol-laced cool-aid provided by the 14 individuals who received their ethanol licences from the Yahapalanaya program of hypocritical governance.

Ranil and Weliamude
Prime Impostor Ranil has accused his subordinate JC Weliamude of sidestepping the pecking order in the UNP feeding trough for telling the truth about his obvious use of Temple Trees for obvious partisan politicking. “We make sure that all castes and creeds are represented at these political events, but Weliamude is a pretty low mongrel creed to cast his voice against the inbred Cinnamoners of Colombo 7. Can’t encourage that now, can we?” the Impostor queried while explaining diddly-dodo.

Education minister regurgitates in public
Akila the Baiyya Minister of Edjucation says that Kurunegala will be transformed into a giant public Water Loo on August 18, 2015. “The giant Loo will be the first fully functional hydro-powered kakkussiya in the whole world,” the Baiyya of a Minister proudly stated.
The Baiyya Minister also rewrote history books by declaring that Napoleon Bonaparte got his ashes hauled by Allied Forces Commander Field Marshal Erwin Rommel in a Polybotean red urn during the 2nd Peloponnesian War between Athens and Sparta in 1944.

Premawanthaya made me do it
Jelly-kneed Siribirius,, Chairman of United People’s Freedom Alliance (UPFA), says that the General Secretary Premawanthaya is the real man behind the UPFA throne. A forlorn jelly- kneed said that Premawanthaya won’t listen to him at all. “He made me sign Mulana’s papers. He is such a meanie weenie,” Jelly kneed whinged.

Sudat Pasqual is the Incompetent Authority on Irrelevant Implausible News, Kekirilanthaya