PM Ranil Wickremesinghe

Nomination unravels
The Government of Sri Lanka issued the following clarification on President Sirisena’s decision whether to allow Dictator of Mulana to contest at the next parliamentary election: “Today our beloved,fearful and timid leader was forcefully sedated and rushed to the General Hospital where he underwent an open-heart surgery to remove the decision on the Dictator of Mulana. The decision was hidden behind the right ventricle and had to be pried with a rusty crowbar.

“Earlier a medically-trained drug addict had secreted a cocktail of sodium pentothal, liquid cocaine and Muthurajawala Kasiya through the President’s sternum to try and induce a confession, but it only made him ask for more rathu kekulu, wattakka, and karawala with some meekiri. The decision was encased in a palmyra leaf envelope and had ‘For RW’s eyes only’ engraved on a presidential seal. The envelope has been forwarded to the Prime Minister through the US Ambassador. Our long national nightmare is about to come to an end. God bless Uncle Sam.”

An hour later Prime Minister Wickremesinghe was informed by the Defence Attaché of the US Embassy that Dictator of Mulana will receive nomination to contest from UPFA.
Upon hearing the news, Wickremesinghe in a passionate call to arms said that he was ready to battle the South Indian marauder King Kalinga Maga on any given Sunday after he had his customary Eggs Benedict. The Prime Minster was speaking at a hastily organized gathering of groups and individuals who are/maybe contesting with (or without) the United National Party. “I’ll kick his ass!” he was overheard saying to nobody.

John Kerry and Diego Lanka
John Kerry, king of bosses and the Guruji of jelly-kneed Siribirius the non-functioning President of the Anamalu Republic of Diego Lanka spoke to his subjects on July 13, 2015 to explain his decision to dissolve Parliament and allow former dictator of Mulana to contest. Guruji John will also explain the outcome of the election in detail so the counting of votes (not cast) could commence immediately. The time of the delivery will be decided on by an astrologer of Dominatrix Savannah the Vast’s choice.

Br(e)aking away to insignificance
The politically-insignificant breakaway group of a breakaway group, the United Left Front (ULF) has joined the pro-capitalist and pro-Ranil Wickremesinghe United National Party to prolong the torture of ignoramus voters and extend the party’s irrelevant existence. “We are looking it as an extra 100 votes,” a visibly bored pro-Ranil UNP spokesperson said.

Soma the Wansa Karachchale wants to do an Ivan
Soma the Wansa Karachchale the former rebel and current rebel without a clue says that since leaving the Vedabari Peramuna, he has regained his love for money, and will do anything to and with anybody or any party for money.  “Ivan swindled five million. So I am looking at around 10 for starters,” the Karachchal one said

UPFA pities and nominates Halitosis Vasu
The Dictator of Mulana supporting the UPFA has granted Halitosis Vasu the self-proclaimed leader of a party called the Democratic Left Front (DLF) to contest from Ratnapura District while rejecting six more qualified candidates from the same party. The General Secretary of Mulana Alliance said that if another person from the DLF was given nomination, Halitosis will not get elected and the Alliance opted to give into Halitosis’ grovelling. “Good gosh man, Halitosis received less than 18,000 votes from the WHOLE country in 1982 when he contested for the President. He is liked even less now!” the boot-licking Secretary explained

I am a man with no convictions – I am a man who doesn’t know
President jelly-kneed Sirisena said that he (kind of) has no control over who is nominated by the coalition headed by a fellow named Maitripala Sirisena to contest in elections called by him. “I am just the front for certain governments and type-A personalities. I am not real. I am a mirage. An optical illusion. You might think you see me, but it’s really a facsimile. I stopped thinking and acting on my behalf the day I handed my nomination to contest that thing, you know, that happened on January 8 (I think). All’s copacetic, big mon! Let’s all do a Doobie Brothers and like talk about reincarnation. Ok? You know what I mean right (wink, wink)?” Jelly-kneed Sirisena crooned.Sudat Pasqual is the Incompetent Authority on Irrelevant Implausible News, Kekirilanthaya