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President Maithripala Sirisena | Barak Obama | Mahinda Rajapaksa

No more foreign MSG
The Consumer Affairs Authority (CAA) says it will ban any product that uses foreign-produced Monosodium Glutamate (MSG) from entering Colombo because all cancer-causing ingredients in consumer goods must originate in Sri Lanka. All foreign MSG-laced products will be delivered free-of-charge to district cooperative societies where Mahinda Rajapaksa received overwhelming majorities in the last presidential election. The CAA said that it is working with local Ajina Moto suppliers to increase the cancer-causing capabilities of their product.

Obama proves Edward Snowden is telling the truth
The United States of America says that it cannot confirm, verify, or affirm the known fact that it spies on anybody and everybody not related to George W Bush (Jr.) or Prick Cheney. It said that spying was directly related to the attractiveness of the wife of the spied on.

In related news, Russian President Vladimir Putin said that he was relieved to hear that America did not spy on leaders with ugly spouses. “Phew!” was his response.
Upon hearing the news, North Korea has released a statement condemning the obvious anti-ugliness of the American position. “It is obvious that we would never be able to have a normal relationship with America if it insists on this clause. Have you seen a picture of our Supreme Limping Leader???” a perplexed, ugly North Korean queried.

Rosy Senanayake
Rosy Senanayake

America clarifies and confirms their intention to annexe Sri Lanka
Some unknown Indian-looking dude, nobody knows or cares about, nominated as the Ambassador to the Cavendish Anamalu Republic of Lanka by the Kenyan-born, Hawaii-birth certificate-holding, half-Christian-black man in leading the “Occupy White House” movement in Northern and Eastern United States says that Sri Lanka is critical in maintaining the illusion that North-East United States is an important actor in South Asia. The dude went on to say that Anamalu Lanka will be his country’s Crimea. “It’s critical!” he emphasized.

Astrologers finally get it right
Astrologers say that Sri Lanka entered a period of peace and tranquillity the moment the Parliament of plonkers was ordered to take a break from destroying the country. The period of peace and tranquillity will likely end on August 18, 2015, one of the superstitious dimwits explained.

In related news, a dimwit spokesperson said that permanent peace will dawn when the countries’ last two former presidents are six feet under.

In more stupid astrology news, the Astrologer’s Association has, after an exhaustively meaningless but thorough study of planetary alignment around Sigiriya and Dambulla Rock Temple, confirmed that Mahinda Rajapaksa did indeed lose the presidential election held in January 2015.

However, the group of dunces were divided on whether Maitripala Sirisena actually won the election or whether Mahinda Rajapaksa lost. Considering the insignificance of the outcome, the association has launched another exhaustive and ludicrous probe into find the exact content of the vapours emitting from the Chief Prelate’s kutiya at Dambulla Rock Temple around the time of the election.

Rosy opens hot flash center for menopausal men
Rosy the Nosy, Ministress of Women and Child-like Adults has come out of the closet and confirmed that she is indeed a second class woman in a third class country. The Ministress was speaking at the opening of the world’s first Unisex Menopause and Hot Flash Center.

UNP looking for virgin criminals
The UNP’s self-appointed spokesperson for idiot-speak, Ajith Perera says that the UNP will only field candidates who have not (yet) been accused of stealing from public coffers to change the party’s image as the home of second-grade gumballa and criminal vermin. The Idiot-Speak said that existing crooks are no longer viable because they have lost their veneer of thieving deniability and are adding to UNP’s already soiled reputation, and the party needs fresh ideas and new faces to maximize the impact of the impending disaster of another UNP-led coalition government.

In the meantime, a search committee headed by the Finance Minister and the Governor of Central Bank (two of the country’s proven high-profile low lives) will look for future Karunanayakes and Mahendrans. “It is high time that we as a party unearthed the unexposed scum among our membership. We don’t want to go the way of the SLFP where all the thieving was handed over on a silver platter to one family. Look at them now! The bunch of losers cannot steal anything worthwhile without alerting the whole world!”

News from the Vast One
Dominatrix Savannah the Vast says that if the Last Dictator of Mulana can contest in a general election, she too can cast her horrid vastness into the political ring.

Looking for a rainbow
A joint communiqué issued by the Prime Minister and the Foreign Minister congratulated the United States for becoming the most populated country to legalize same-sex marriage. The communiqué went on to say that the United National Party (UNP) has followed a “you ask, we lie” policy on the issue of gays serving in parliament since March 26, 1965. “We hope Sri Lanka will follow in the footsteps of our big gay loving brother America and allow us to serve our people in the open wearing Barefoot Gallery handloom saris we so dearly love,” the Prime Minister and the Foreign Minister squeaked.Sudat Pasqual is the Incompetent Authority on Irrelevant Implausible News, Kekirilanthaya