Radhika with the Mervyn PhD cries foul
Radhika Coomaraswamy, the heir apparent to Navi Pillay the former terrorist rubber-stamp at the UN has accused the editor of Daily Mirror of saying mean things about a real-life character like her. The editor of the DM has laughed in her face and told her to get a real PhD and life.
Incredible lightness of being a UNP parliamentarian
Sri Lanka’s Minister of Transport has said that the United National Party will be able to secure 125 seats in Parliament at the next general election. He was speaking to fellow residents of country’s premier psychiatric facility at Angoda. Immediately afterwards, the Minister was put in a straitjacket and locked away in solitary confinement. A few days later, he was joined by the General Secretary of the UNP who was heard publicly voicing similar sentiments.
The United National Party (UNP) said that they will be doing it all alone at the next general election, again. “Using our hand is nothing. All our palms are hairy after so many lonely runs anyway. So, what does it matter that we do it once more?” a jaded party hack asked.
Sri Lanka’s premier fibber and Minister of Finance has defended the appointment of his eminently unqualified brother-in-law as the Managing Director of Sri Lanka Insurance Corporation saying that while his brother-in-law was indeed clueless on the subject, he is an impressive go-fetcher. “I tell him to fetch, he will only ask how much to fetch. Also, my lord the wifeship said that I will have to find alternative accommodation if the gobshite was not appointed. What is a man to do?” a totally unconvincing fibber Minister asked.
Donald the Dumpster Trump declares his candidacy to replace the black dude
Donald Trump while doing a passable impersonation of a beached grass carp has also declared his candidacy for the President of the United States at a truck stop in upstate New York. Trump said he is ready to be publicly humiliated and ridiculed. Again. The event was well attended by part-time white illegal immigrant waiters cum actors who were paid $50 to blow kisses at Donald and pretend that they cared. “It was a bloody hard gig. Hardest $50 I’ve ever earned and most definitely the hardest $50 to get my hands on,” an illegal immigrant from the neighboring Socialist Republic of Berny Sandasia said.
Afterwards, answering a question from a bikini clad reporter of Hustler magazine who was doing an outstanding job of pretending to be interested, Donald the Dumpster said that his first act as President would be to declare personal bankruptcy. “I made out like a bandit the last 3 times I did it and I see no reason why I can’t repeat it now,” the Dumpster said.
Upon hearing the news, Comedy Writers of America have released a statement thanking Donald Trump for his candidacy and wished him a long and torturous campaign. They said the Donaldster has made their life simpler by committing to act the goat in public.
In related news, Comedy Central Television Network says that they are willing to sponsor Donaldster’s campaign if the candidate commits to being his natural ass of a self to the bitter end.
When asked to comment on the latest disaster to enter the Republican presidential nomination field, an aide to the Chairman of the Republican Party said that his boss was popping pills and gulping down shots of JD like there was no tomorrow and it would take him a few days to make a coherent statement on the idiot.
The Democratic National Committee issued a statement thanking Donald the Dumpster for throwing his toupee in the ring and making a mockery of the democratic process. “We think he will make an excellent Sarah Palin,” the statement concluded.
An angry ex-presidential joke Michelle Bachmann said that she was deeply hurt that Donaldster had taken her (rightful) place in the field of clowns.
Chinese to bankroll paving of cabinet members driveways
Sri Lanka’s cabinet has accepted a loan of US $100 million from China to pave the driveways of all cabinet members and their wives and mistresses. The money will be laundered through Chinese funded Asian Infrastructure Investment Bank and the Minister of Finance will act as the chief launderer cum commission agent of the Cabinet. When asked to comment, the Finance Minister said that he was concerned about the unnecessary publicity given to the project and said that he could have handled the whole laundering business with his pal Bondi. “Sharing 10% of 100 million with 80 is not even worth the effort,” an obviously disappointed thieving fibber stated.Sudat Pasqual is the Incompetent Authority of Irrelevant Implausible News, Kekirilanthaya