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SL Foreign Minister Mangala Samaraweera and US Secretary of State Jhon Kerry

Savannah the Vast on competence and the importance of a good lube
Sri Lanka’s former dominatrix President Savannah the Vast says that she serviced and lubedsix ministers throughout her two terms. “It was exhausting for those six but I got off on it. When you are a dominatrix, you’ve got to get off any way you can”, the Vast one said.

Looking for limp nodes
Cialis, the drug for people with erectile dysfunction, says that it is extremely keen to speak to any of the three living Prime Ministers (former and current)about becoming their South Asian ambassador to limp eradication. “They are persons of definite interest,” the limp hardening outfit stated.

Two former Prime Ministers of Sri Lanka have been found wandering onthe streets of Horana and Gampola respectively. After pledging their allegiance and their firstborn grandchild to the current president, they were immediately assigned as advisors to President Sirisena on Reincarnation and the Indignity of Political Insignificance. While they will not be given a budget to waste, they will be provided with studio time to record themselves and listen to those recordings in isolation.

In related news, the curator of Kanatta Cemetery says he has found a dead body more alert and active than the former Prime Minister from the Hills.

Kneeling news
A communiqué from the GOSL states that the Foreign Minister has achieved 80% of the kneeling targets detailed in President Sirisena’s 100 day Monapalanayada program. The communiqué further stated that once the Minister kneels in front of Eric Solheim, Jayalalitha, and Navi Pillay, his 100 day kneeling job would be complete and the Minister will concentrate fully on the Canadian kneeling sector.

Somewhat related to the topic, the Foreign Ministry has denied that the Minister has agreed to a long term kneeling relationship with Eric Solheim, the lover of child soldiers, suicide bombers, and megalomaniacs. “It was an impulsive one-night stand. Nothing permanent will result from this illthought out dalliance,” the communiqué stated without much conviction.

Hyde Park renamed to dishonor lying
The Colombo Municipal Council (CMC) has voted unanimously to rename Hyde Park Corner as the Three Royal Liars Corner to honour the Monapalanayada Minister of Finance, the Governor of the Central Bank, and the Deputy Minister of Economic Development. The Council also authorised the erection of larger than life statues of the Three Royal Liars with Pinocchio-inspired elongated noses at the center of the Park.

Financial News from the land of Bonds and Saradiels
Three largest financial rating agencies Standard & Poor, Moody’s, and Fitch Ratings have downgraded Sri Lanka’s bond ratings to junk status after the Finance Minister of the country was caught blatantly lying like Mufasa on international television when he stated that his government’s growth was not fueled by public borrowing.

“Considering the amount of public debt his government has acquired in a mere 100 days, the Minister’s disregard for the truth is disturbing. A country like Sri Lanka can have a thieving liar as the Minister of Finance, but it cannot have thieving liars as the Minister AND the Governor of the Central Bank,” the agencies explained.

The road to nowhere
In other financial news, Sri Lanka announced that work will commenceon the 100% debt funded Northern Expressway. According to the credibility challenged Finance Minister, the cost of the project will be reduced by 50% since the expressway will only be a northbound road.

“My government, I mean Ranil’s government, will not indulge in fancy ego-driven projects like the previous regime did. That is why the expressway will only accommodate northbound motor traffic. Those motorists will have to figure their way back. We can’t be holding their hands,” said the Minister.

In more Northern Expressway news, government said that the Colombo-Kurunegala portion of the Expressway will be renamed “RW Expressway to Nowhere”,the Kurunegala-Kandy portion will be renamed “Saradiel K Expressway to Loot Central”, and the Kandy-Dambulla portion will be renamed“Arjuna & Arjun Road to Bondopia”. The government also issued a warning to motorists travelling between Kurunegala and Dambullaabout government-sponsored bandits roaming the roadside to make some easy cash.

CC half empty
The government announced that half the 10 member Constitutional Council have been selected. The other half will be selected by Narenda Modi, David Cameron, the Center for Policy Alternatives (CPA), the World Bank, and the IMF. The government also said that the Janatha Vedabari Peramuna (JVP) has declined to play a role, stating that it cannot be held responsible for any of its actions, decisions, or thoughts.

According to the US Embassy, the following individuals will definitely be appointed to theCouncil:
1. Founder of the Sarvodaya Movement will represent the Central Intelligence Agency (CIA), CIA funded INGOs, and Secretary John Kerry.
2. Radhika Coomaraswamy will represent the United Nations and non-CIA funded INGOs.
3. Wijedasa Rajapaksa will represent UNP windbags.
4. A.W.M.Salam will represent himself.
5. Champika Ranawaka will represent Sri Lanka.
Sudat Pasqual is the Incompetent Authority of Irrelevant Implausible News, Kekirilanthaya.