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News of reduction in corrupt acts by politicians since Modi became PM in India causes panic in Sri Lanka.

“Modi is putting unnecessary pressure on Ranil’s fragile kleptocracy” – Maithripala Sirisena, titular head of Sri Lanka.

“I will not let such insignificant, irrelevant and implausible news, threatens  MY fragile kleptocracy!” – Ranil, actual head of Sri Lanka.

“So what?  That is India. I’ve never been honest or ethical a single day of my life. I don’t plan to start that bloody nonsense now!” – Thieving K, Minister of Finance and Financial Skulduggery, Sri Lanka.

“Right on Karu Boy! Yow sir. Many more bond issues to come; so little time. Focus Bondi Boy; focus Sonny Boy – focus!” – Bondi Mahendran, Singaporean money launderer aka Governor of Sri Lanka’s Central Bank, overheard talking to himself while urinating into a bush at Temple Trees.

“Oh shit! How are we going to make a living?” – UNP Lawyers Collective.

“I will make corruption stay for Rs. 3.5 million. Yah Sireee!” – J. C. WeliAmude, the ethically-lobotomized head of UNP affiliated Hypocrisy International.

“P…kaya!” – Clown Blabber Mouth Halitosis Vasu.

“Serves you right for sucking up to that bozo” – Clown Dinesh, head of the one man Mahajana Eksath Peramuna (MEP).

“Is Modi a Buddhist?” – Galayata Gna, leader of National Neo-Buddhist Punks Front.
“Why are we even bothered about what a Hindu says?” – Media release from the Jathika Hela Urumaya.

“Why are we even bothering about what a Hindu says?” – Media release from Sri Lanka Muslim Congress.

“We need a proper bribery commission staffed by our cadres, but we can’t be responsible for any investigations or the findings” – Janatha Vedabari Peramuna (JVP).

“Better make some money before the do-gooder starts messing with us” – Media release from the Tamil National Alliance (TNA).

“Thank god we made all that money in the last few years!” – Media release from the Rajapaksa family.

“Should have listened to Confucius and waited one more year to finalize the Colombo Port deal. China could have saved $1 billion. I need a ginseng enema” – Chinese ambassador to Sri Lanka.

did you say? Ha!
Prime Clown Minister of Sri Lanka Ranil says that there never was a legal impediment to the appointment of Bondi Mahendran as Governor of Central Bank. The only impediments were moral and ethical ones, the Prime Clown stated.

Peace dividend sucks
Northern Province Chief Pusari and Chief Apologist for Prabhakaran, Wighead says that northern youth have been led astray since his favourite charitable organization the LTTE was destroyed by the Sinhalese invaders. “When Prabha was in charge the young northern men could become LTTE cadres, extort, steal, traffic in humans or drugs. Young women could become suicide bombers trained by Aunty Adele or become concubines for our freedom fighters and give birth to their babies. Look at them now. They have so many other choices. I am telling you our young people cannot be allowed to decide on their own future!” Pusari Wighead explained.

Colombo 7 to save Wilpattu
4 Wheeler Sophists of Colombo 7 issued a statement explaining why they think Wilpattu National Park should remain allocated for their personal use. “It was Yala that was first opened to the gambattas and baiyyas. Then Udawalawe. Soon the baiyyas were allowed into Minneriya. Look at Horton Plains. The baiyyas made it ‘Sirisiri Plains’.
“We are drowning in gambattas and baiyyas. They don’t speak English and they don’t understand our Singlish or our pretend-accents. How are we to retain our uppity and snobbish ways if baiyyas and gambattas are allowed to comingle with our children? Wilpattu is the last bastion of snobbery. We have nowhere else to freely congregate and feel superior. It is bloody damn awful. If we have to herd every last Fishing Cat into our backyards to save our snobbery and know-all-ness, we will!” a long time Colombo 7 Sophist wailed.

Population control
Galayata Gna, head of Sri Lanka’s Buddhist skin heads says that the country is overpopulated with non-Buddhists. “We believe the non-Buddhist population should be culled to 5 percent of the total population. I advocate a 500 percent increase in the annual child abuse ritual of child ordination as a way of reducing growth among the Buddhist population. I also urge the Minister of Women’s Affairs to urge females old enough to bear children to wear padlocked garter belts and to discourage them from indulging in the ‘missionary position’,” the Buddhist thug explained

Sudat Pasqual is the Incompetent Authority of Irrelevant Implausible News, Kekirilanthaya.