Finance Minister Ravi Karunanayake | Minister of Fisheries Mahinda Amaraweera

Onward to financial ruination
Saradiel K warned journalists not to venture too close to the truth about his government’s incompetence and failure to distinguish between fact and fiction. Saradiel K went on to say that he will not allow anyone else to destroy Sri Lanka’s economy. “Bondi and I have been assigned that duty and nobody, I mean NOBODY, will take that away from us. You will have to pry that duty out of our cold dead fingers!” the thieving one said.

People power
“Only me, myself and I can remove me as Prime Minister,” claims Acting President Ranil.
Newest member of Hypocrisy National, the Jathika Hela Urumaya (JHU) says that the protest in Kahawatte triggered by the acquittal of three men accused of killing two women that resulted in the deployment of the Special Task Force and the use of water cannon is an act of free speech because the victims were not Tamil, the majority of the protesters were not Tamil and it didn’t happen in Jaffna.

In related news, the newly-formed UNP affiliated Hypocrisy National has extended a lifetime membership to the JHU. “The JHU are just as hypocritical as me,” a delighted J.C.WeliAmude, head of Hypocrisy National beamed.

Secretary of JHU said that his party will release a statement with regard to their position on Tamils and Muslims living in Sri Lanka shortly. “We don’t accept the premise that if a Tamil or a Muslim was born in Sri Lanka, their parents and grandparents were born in Sri Lanka, they carry a national identity card and a Sri Lankan passport and speak fluent Sinhala they should be entitled to citizenship or voting rights. The bottom line is they are not Buddhist and they will never vote for us,” new mango friend of WeliAmude said

Fishy woes of a ministering disaster
Mahinda Amaraweera, Sri Lanka’s Minister of Fisheries has challenged India’s Foreign Minister Sushma Swaraj to an arm wrestling duel to decide on the two countries fishing dispute. “If I win, I get all the thora malu I can eat for the rest of my life and if she wins, Indian fishermen will be allowed to poach on our waters for 65 days every year during high seas,” the former and current disaster of a minister said to a confused audience of ornamental fish vendors.

America appoints a brownie to potty train MPs
US-based Council of State Governments (CSG) has appointed  a Sri Lankan-born and Royal College educated brown-skinned person named Kanake Sujja to conduct the training designed to familiarize the Sri Lankan MPs on the concept of responsible and responsive governance and toilet train them. The brown-skinned trainer says he is concerned that he has only two years to potty train the MPs. “Gosh man, the gene pool in your parliament is even narrower than Louisiana or Texas,” Kanake explained.
In related news, Acting President Ranil says he was disappointed that the training will be done by a brown skinned non oriental Asian American. “Why couldn’t they send a whitey?” the acting one

lamented. However, the CSG has minified of the Acting President’s concern by confirming that Kanake will be closely shadowed by a clueless superior acting blue eyed and blonde haired white person.

Interim Committee soils their collective underwear
Sri Lanka Cricket says that they have known that women cricketers were continuously sexually harassed since 2013 by the same individuals, but were waiting for the probe committee to confirm what they already knew. The two individuals have been transferred to Sri Lanka Cricket Academy at Khettarama with immediate effect. “It is a great hardship for the two individuals to travel those extra five kilometers each day in heavy traffic, but we want to send a loud and clear message to all abusers that they will not be allowed to operate from our headquarters at Maitland Place. We are also very relieved that both individuals are afflicted with erectile dysfunction syndrome and did not have their Cialis tablets on them when they made these overtures to women cricketers. It is just not cricket!” an official close to the limp two said.

MR declares his assets
The second dictator of Sri Lanka says that all his assets are in various peoples’ names, in various countries, in various financial institutions and invested in various ways in various real estate deals. “Happy?” an agitated former dictator asked in a media release.

Boozing away the worries
Distilleries Corporation of Sri Lanka thanked the Monopalanayada government for contributing to a substantial increase in sales since January 9. 2015. A spokesperson said that people are absolutely frightened out of their minds by the government and are drinking to forgive themselves. He further stated that their revenue increased by 30% during the period and wished the government a prolonged existence.

Find the lost pea brain!
“Have you misplaced your pea brain again?  You CAN’T dissolve the UPFA before the next election.  Those Mahinda wallah like Dinesh, Wimal, Halitosis Vasu, etc give my government credibility every time they open their mouths.  Without those jokers, the SLFP will win!” Acting President Ranil chided Elected President Maithripala.

A maestro on the sarpinaava
“I never thought playing the sarpinaava would be so easy!” Acting President Ranil said explaining how easy it has been to manipulate the last three elected presidents, Sirisena, Rajapaksa and Kumaratunga to do his bidding and destroy their own party.  He profusely thanked the three for keeping alive his dream of becoming the next dictator.  “I would be dust in the wind without these three,” the unelectable one declared. Sudat Pasqual is the Incompetent Authority on Irrelevant Implausible News, Kekilanthaya