Dilan’s excuse
Dilan Perera, the former State Minister, assisting the Real Minister Sajith Premadasa, explained that he was forced to resign because nobody outside his family was aware that he is Premadasa’s assistant. “I carry a laminated copy of my appointment letter everywhere I go. I have not been invited to a single function as Sajith’s deputy. The situation is untenable,” the forlorn Dilan said.

Ranil’s rule
Acting President Ranil says all SLFP ministers in his 25 percenter Cabinet will be eligible for the WeliAmude Special Allowance of Rs.3.5 million for grovelers and snivelers if they say yes sir, whatever you say sir!  for  six consecutive weeks.

True theft
Acting President Ranil says that there was over 2.7 billion in shady bond deals during the Rajapaksa reign. Considering, Bondi ripping off a mere 500 million is not a real steal, the protective one said.

Somawansa’s victory
Comrade Some, the former head of the Jathika Vedabari Peramuna (JVP), has called off  his fast after gaining the targeted 10 lbs in merely three days. Comrade Some thanked his sponsors, Sashi and Wimal for the delicious food.

From JVP to JPS
The Janatha Vimukthi Peramuna has filed papers with the Elections Commissioner to change their name to Jathika Puswedili Sangamaya (JPS)

Marga Pala
Undergraduate Buddhist priests of Sri Lanka have called for the intake of more racist Buddhist priests into the country’s universities. “Ever since Arahath became President, we racist Buddhists have come under attack from the ignorant, non-violent and tolerant majority Buddhists. At this rate, we will become extinct!” One of the violence prone Buddhist monks lamented. The violent ones have vowed to forego dinner, consuming alcohol and inhaling until their numbers are equal or greater than the number of Mosques in the country.

Ranil’s name
“Ammi, what is the Prime Minister’s other name?” 10 years old who witnessed the love fest between MP Halitosis Nanayakkara and the country’s Prime Minister in Parliament wanted to know.

Vasu’s victory
Makers of Scope mouthwash announced that they will provide Sri Lankan MP Vasudeva Halitosis Nanayakkara with a life time supply of mouthwash

Mervyn wannabe
Vasudeva Nanayakkara who did a credible impersonation of Dr Mervyn Silva in Parliament recently said that he only wanted to call the acting President Ranil a dickhead. “The Mervyn in me took over at some point, so I don’t see the necessity to apologize,” the Mervyn wannabe explained.

White man’s new burden
The Council of State Governments (CSG), the American organization dedicated to making government work for the people in spite of the white people of United States has volunteered to intervene in Sri Lanka to prevent the same white people from screwing up a country outside their usual sphere of destruction.

The Oreo government
The National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (NAACP) has certified Ranil Wickremesinghe-led Sri Lankan Government as an Uncle Tom entity and has also classified it as an Oreo Organization (black on the outside but white on the inside)

Just rewards
“I lied and concocted stories for nine years. I traveled thousands of miles at the CIA’s expense to fabricate evidence. I listened to hundreds of hours of lectures on indoctrination. I washed Robert Blake’s underwear. I pledged allegiance to the flag. Man, I earned that 3.5 million!”JC WeliAmude

Ranil’s ignorance
“Weli who???” acting President Ranil when asked to comment on the not so transparent activities of JC Weliamuna, head of Sri Lankan Chapter of Transparency International.

Ranil’s dilemma
“So many WeliAmudes; so many probes; so little time.” – Acting President Ranil .

The enabler’s dilemma
“I am running out of carrots. Give me some bloody sticks!” – Acting President Ranil’s chief enabler Siribirius

Safety’s John explains
Minister of Public Safety, John says that the people of Jaffna were used to being safe during LTTE rule, but those expectations are unrealistic considering the fact that the UNP is in charge of the government. Minister John said that the UNP was most suited to create mayhem out of any peaceful situation and not create peace from chaos. “That is Mahinda Rajapaksa’s job,” Safety John said

Kiriella’s solution
Lakshman Kiriella, one of the many clueless Cabinet members of acting President Ranil’s Cabinet said that it is likely that the Parliament will be dissolved in a few weeks to hold elections to decide who will govern the country for the next few months. “Kerry takes his sweet old time to give us directions. If you want details, ask those church guys on Kirimandala Mawatha, ok?” clueless and agitated Minister stated.
Sudat Pasqual is the Incompetent Authority on Irrelevant   Implausible  News , Kekirilanthaya