Some time ago, a young client of mine came to my practice shaking with fear. He had had unsafe sex with a girl. His girlfriend didn’t know about this and he was petrified that he had a STD like HIV. He had himself tested by a doctor, but it takes at least three months (depending on the kind of test) to have a highly accurate test result that you are not infected with HIV.
It took a lot of counseling to make him feel stable again, also because he couldn’t talk about it with anybody else. He couldn’t tell his family or his friends because he felt they wouldn’t understand and he couldn’t trust their confidentiality. Luckily, he was not infected and it turned out to be a good lesson for him.
For young people, it’s important to learn about sexuality and other related subjects. It’s about discovering your own body and what sexuality means to you, intimacy and sex in your relationship, how to have safe sex, and possible problems with sex as well as how to deal with those. In Sri Lanka, sex-related topics are usually considered a taboo and are hushed up.
People are not used to talk openly about it. This can cause ignorance about the above-mentioned topics and can have dire consequences, for example, problems with intimacy, Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs) or unwanted pregnancy.
You have influence on being in the mood for having sex, it doesn’t happen out of its own. You have to be open to sexual stimulations like touch, a fantasy, sexual images from a movie, a picture or music. But also being engaged in sex, like kissing and caressing, can make you feel to want to explore further. You decide if you accept sexual stimulations; it depends on your relationship and the circumstances whether you proceed or not.
Do you feel relaxed and comfortable with your partner? Do you feel the freedom to accept your desire? Do you have positive experiences? Then your mood for having sex will increase. It’s different for everyone so it’s important that you explore which things are titillating your senses.
You can for example make contact with your erogenous zones or your ‘happy spots’. Sexuality is much more than your genital zones. You can get excited in places all over your body. To become more familiar with these spots here is a good exercise. Take a green, a red and a blue pencil and a printout of the human body (front and back).
Color with green on the printouts of your body (front and back) which spots feel like erogenous zones (‘nice spots’). Do the same with red which spots where you absolutely don’t want to be touched. And lastly with blue color these spots where you’re not certain if they are erogenous zones. How easy or how difficult was this exercise? What strikes you about the spots you have colored in? Did you discover something new about yourself?
Having an orgasm is the sexual discharge during intercourse or masturbation. Many women can have multiple orgasms but men can’t. How it feels is different for everybody, from very intense to fleeting and superficial. It can depend on how you feel, your level of tiredness or how much desire you had.
For many people, the orgasm is literary the climax of having sex but that is not necessary always true. A lot of people do not have an orgasm during intercourse while they still enjoy it intensely. The pressure on climaxing can cause that the pleasure in having sex becomes less and actually reduce the chance of having an orgasm.
With relationships it’s very important to be aware of your wishes and boundaries during sex. Talk about it with your partner and be very clear about your boundaries. If you don’t know what you enjoy and like please do think about it. Even more importantly, find out what your limits are in what you like and what you don’t like! It can be about who takes the initiative, your wishes what you enjoy during sex, where you want to be touched, when or how often you want it or performing sexual fantasies.
There can be several problems concerning sex like not being in the mood for having sex for some time, erectile issues, problems with having an orgasm, pain during intercourse, etc. First of all try to talk about it with your partner and when that doesn’t give relieve consider seeking professional help.
In the coming weeks we will present you a series of articles about sexuality:
1. Sexually-transmitted diseases
2. Sexual orientation
3. Sexual and reproductive health
4. Sexual dysfunctions
5. Sexual deviants and victims
Compiled by Kusumanjalee Thilakarathna