A Chinese remedy
When asked to comment about Sri Lanka’s new America First policy, the ambassador of China had the following to say; ‘America talk big, China talk little but work big. Your Foreign Minister is a fool, says Confucius. He bends and bends. He need ginseng enema. Tell him to come see me. We fix him good.’

A two-word foreign policy
Sri Lanka’s bending Foreign Minister has unveiled his government’s new foreign policy. It will be called America First.

Vasu’s Q to Nirmal
Vasudeva Nanayakkara, landed aristocrat, part time socialist and full time errand boy to Mahinda Rajapaksa, asks, ‘What part of we are going to beat the shit out of you if you come near our May Day parade did Dewasiri not understand!?’

Madame Savannah the Vast’s Moment of Truth
Madame Savannah the Vast, the former Queen Bandita of Aanamalu Republic of Lanka in a rare moment of lucidity, and even a rare moment of honest genuflection says that there is a genuine threat to her pet of the month Sirisena’s American funded ‘Monapalanaya?’ Program from vermin like her.

Presidential punishment
President Sirisena says that all SLFP/UPFA MPs who oppose 20th amendment to the Constitution will be required to attend a 10-hour uninterrupted seminar on constitutional law, macroeconomics and power napping by Professor G.L.Peiris and Dr.Harsha de Silva. “That’ll teach them. I bet they won’t last 2 hours!” the meaner President said.

Ranil Chides
Acting President Ranil W has chided his Finance Minister Saradiel K for making baseless accusations against anybody with the surname Rajapaksa: “That job has been allocated to Sherlock Senasinghe. He is a legitimate imbecile. We don’t need another one. You just stick to ruining the economy!”

Ministerial gripe
Not all ministers are happy.  Some have been heard to complain that 100 days were not enough: ‘Goodness gracious, is 100 days enough for anyone to come up with a plan where one doesn’t get caught? This is not like issuing bonds and collecting a commission!’

A SriLankan giveaway
SriLankan Airlines will now provide a sleeping companion of choice to their pilots on all flights of more than four- hour duration. The troubled Airlines apparently wants to avoid a situation like what transpired with the Mihin flight. If the captain had a companion, it would not have been a problem. However, when a pilot takes a nap during a flight while at controls, he will not get paid for the duration of the nap.

Helping the economy
The Acting President says he will forego his presidential salary as a way to ease the burden on the country’s treasury created by having too many thieves in one cCabinet. “I can always ask Bondi if I am short of cash; or the US ambassador,” the Great Actor Cum Imposter said.

Paththara Neguma
The owners of the two media organizations funded by Divi Naguma funds say that they used the funds for Reconstruction and Development of their newspapers. ‘We are flooded by debt. Needed the funds badly and Uncle Bassa bailed us out. What’s wrong with that?’ the two Ruperts of Sri Lanka media asked.

No FTA with Gambia
Sri Lanka has abandoned the signing of their Free Trade Agreement with Gambia after the Gambian Leader vowed to slit the throats of all homosexuals.Period.

Siripala’s woes
Siripala, the Leader of Opposition who is also part of the governing coalition and member of the President’s own party says that his ability to function in his usual incompetent and ineffectual manner has been greatly compromised by the arrest of MP Basil Rajapaksa, Johnston Fernando and Sajin Vaas Gunawardena. ‘My ranks are getting depleted day by day. How can I function?’ he asked the single journalist who attended his press conference.Sudat Pasqual is the Incompetent Authority on Irrelevant Implausible News, Kekirilanthaya