Deputy Minister Sherlock Senasinghe has finally admitted that he acted like a donkey in a horse corral immediately after the election of Maitripala Sirisena as the President of Sri Lanka. “I know I made a lot of baseless allegations that hurt people and their families. I am not sorry because those were the instructions I received from my good leader. But please don’t do the same to us because our families will be very hurt; especially if there is some truth in the accusations like with the bond deal. But I am confident our unelected Prime Minister will protect the rest of us like he did with Bondi Mahendran,” the Sherlock wannabe groveled.

 The continuing nightmare
Warner Brothers has started filming the next sequel to ‘Nightmare on Elm Street’ in Sri Lanka. It will be called Chandrika on Colombo Streets:The Nightmare Continues.

Patali’s itch
“Jathika Hela Urumaya is right on all issues, all the time. All others, especially non Buddhists (Theravada that is) are wrong and irrelevant to progress of our nation. History will judge all non-believers as traitors,” is what Patali Champika Ranawaka itching to say.

 The moustachioed ones
Cabinet spokesperson Dr. Rajitha Senaratne has declared that girly boys like Mahinda Rajapaksa grow moustaches to hide the dominant feminine side of their libido. “Look at the all the macho men in our Cabinet. Ranil Wickremesinghe, Mangala Samaraweera nor Rosy Senanayake sports a moustache. SWRD Bandaranaike didn’t have one either. Nor did Chandrika. Mahinda and Gotabaya Rajapaksa do. Need I say more?” the erudite one asked.

India joins hands with Taliban, ISIS and Boko Haram
“Welcome to our world. This could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship”, joint communique from the Taliban,the ISIS and Boko Haram on India’s decision to look the other way on marital rape.

Indian misogyny
“Indian misogyny is the purest in the whole cave-dwelling world. Let’s rejoice!” Prime Minister  Modi, explaining his thoughts on women.

Copper bucks
“Man, I always got paid in copper. Ours was a straight forward steal from the government and get rich scheme. They get one container, I get the other. I get 35 cents on the dollar. I’ve got a family and mistresses and an imagination to feed!” Deputy Minister Gobshite Senasinghe explaining why he tried to defraud the government of millions by trying to get customs to release a copper rod shipment that was to be illegally sold off in the local market by his client and profits shared with the Gobshite

Bondi’s prison-worth
The prison authorities in Sri Lanka and the government have agreed for a prisoner swap; prison authorities will release 1,400 inmates in return for country’s Minister of Finance and Governor of the Central Bank.

Knowledge and ignorance
Deputy Minister of Confusion Sherlock Senasinghe has vehemently denied having any knowledge of the contents or the meaning of the recently passed 19 Amendment to the Constitution. “Man, I just voted for it”, it said

Catering to Somawansa
Somawansa Amarasinghe, the former rebel who is struggling to find a cause has commenced a fast to bring attention to his sorry plight and to gain 10 lbs in muscle weight. Wimal Weerawansa, Somawansa’s former keep will be caterer for the event

The multi-tongued UNP
The United National Party has started speaking in many tongues about the need to dissolve the Parliament. Some are calling for immediately dissolving; others are calling for maybe not so immediately; some others think the Party should consult an astrologer; and the rest think they should wait till Jupiter is completely aligned with Saturn on the 3rd rock from Sigiriya. The conundrum has been forwarded to the US State Department for final decision.

Virtues of loser-backing
Lakshman Kiriella of the UNP has stated that former General Secretary Attanayake has not backed a losing candidate long enough to be taken back into the party. “Look at me? I have been proudly backing the same loser for almost 20 years. I’ve earned my keep. Tissa has one loss behind him. We take him back now and the UNP might win the next general election. Then what? He will want to be the Health Minister with a proper budget! Can’t have that now, can we?” the logical wonder of the Ministerial world explained

US State Dept reads riot act to UNP MPs
The US State Department has directed all UNP MPs to refrain from discussing the date of the general election. “Shut your stupid mouths, you bunch of wankers! We will let you know. Now crawl back to your cave and wait further instructions”, the communique directed.Sudat Pasqual is the Incompetent Authority on Irrelevant Implausible News, Kekirilanthaya